dance dance dance

This is a pretty apt description of the high-low dynamic of my emotions most of the time. "Man, I am really sad. Stop being sad, self! Maybe just a little bit.... Okay enough! Get up and DO SOMETHING!"

In other news-
Apartment finding, not really job-searching but definitely... procrastinating... on so many things, I am just in one of those procrastinating funks and I really need to pull myself out of it! ... Soon...
Also I took a photo of myself as reference for this, and my friend was going through my photos and found it, and then teased me about it. Cautionary tale to my future self, I guess- if you are going to take photos of yourself in your underwear, delete them when you're done.


 Not much else going on with me... Graduation for the school I work at is next weekend, so that will be AWESOME!! The staff members are just as excited as the students, it's great. In almost every conversation with other staff, at some point we say, "One week! One more week! We can make it!"
Good job, guys.

Also also,
"Having trouble telling how I feel, but I can dance dance dance!"

 

ho hum.

SO
It has been a while, blogger.
To be honest, I've been spending more time on tumblr.

Maybe I will start teaching myself how to do things, and I will put my adventures here? Who knows! I'll figure it out eventually. Until then, enjoy this song. 

Dreams

This past week? I forget what day. I had a dream that I saw Miss Sayhi, whose actualy name is Tsehainesh Djaleta. She was my supervisor while I worked in the cafeteria during high school, and I love her with a good portion of my heart. She doesn't work there anymore, which is sad because I never really got to tell her how much I love her.
So I'm having this dream, and I think there's some stuff going on to do with the SCA because we're wearing medieval clothes? And then she's there, and I'm so glad to see her! My body can't contain my joy, so I rush forward to hug her and she stops me. She looks happy to see me, but also upset- like she's got some internal dialogue going on that I can't hear. She says something along the lines of, "I wanted to see you, but not like this!" And she looks really sad for a moment and I remember that she was holding out her fist as a barrier and then she smiled and opened her arms and said, "Okay, come here!" and I hugged her and I almost started crying because I was so glad to see her and I didn't know what was going on!
That's all I remember from that dream, but that same night I dreamt that my mother was messing around and started joking around that she was going to kill me and she was getting pretty close when I yelled at her, "Get out of here!" and I actually yelled it and I woke up myself and the two other people in the room. I was partially scared, but mostly I was angry and fed up.



A little longer ago, last month? I had a dream that our van rolled off the side of a hill, all covered in snow. There was this moment where we were suspended, before we really started falling, and I shouted, "SEATBELTS!" and I helped someone put theirs on so by the time that we started rolling I still hadn't put mine on- I hooked my arm into their seatbelt and wrapped by leg around theirs, to hold on. We were rolling for a while- it was awful! Then the rolling slowed down and stopped, but we were still falling- we'd been falling so long we started to float up, weightless. I was about to make a joke about how we'd be falling forever when we hit the ground with a jolt- it was a relatively gentle jolt, considering that I was expecting to die. I tell my father to turn left, but he goes right & jerks the steering wheel out of my hands. Somehow I get separated from the car during that? Everyon else is at the top of this hill, but I am at the bottom. I start climbing up, and there's mud everywhere because the snow has started to melt, and for some reason I'm in an extended bra thing & that's it. So I'm muddy and climbing in my underthings, and I finally get to the top and mothers are pulling their children away from me and everything and I see someone who was in the car and I smile and we make a joke about it and then something happens?
Later on (later that night? a different night? I'm not sure) someone was supposed to be putting on this acrobatic swimming show, but they're injured or sick or unable to make it so suddenly I'm their replacement. I can't swim very well, but I tell them I'll try. I'm not really doing many tricks, but there's music playing and I just try to jump as far as I can out of the water at crucial moments, and I'm getting ridiculously far, and people are impressed. So I just keep doing that, and I do some little flips, and I dive to the bottom and push off of it to go even farther out of the water, and it's just really cool! At the end people are clapping for me, and I'm feeling pretty great about myself, and the announcer says something like, "Genevieve!" and under his breath, so that only I can hear him he says, "the moron," but it's okay because people are happy to see me and I did my best.



That's all I can remember off the top of my head.

but STARTING NEXT SUNDAY

I have been struggling with trying to start a fitness regimen for myself and then sticking to it. The largest obstacle is that I'm wiped out by the end of the day, so I'd have to do it in the morning, but I'm not really a morning person... Guess I'll just have to suck it up and stop being a baby!
Near the end/ middle of last year I started to put a little more effort into keeping in touch with people, and it may have just been a negligible amount of talking but I was really proud of myself! So I think I'm going to try to continue with that.
This summer my art improved quite a bit after tons of practice and coaxing and a few life model session things, which were loads of fun! I don't have the same opportunities nowadays, but I've been looking up poses online and trying to practice with those so I might set up some sort of challenge schedule? Who knows.
Then there are my fiscal goals... I'd like to save up to buy a somewhat nice used car, which would be about five months of not buying ANYTHING AT ALL. We'll see. After that I'd like to adventure around a bit, visit some of my friends in the distant corners of the states.
There are a ton of other things, but they're actually kind of stressful deadline things and I don't want to think about them.
So.
My birthday is coming up, huzzah! I feel young and old at the same time, it's very disconcerting!

obligatory new years post

I keep thinking that one of these days I'll wake up with at least one aspect of my future outlined in my mind in perfect clarity, but it hasn't happened yet and I doubt it ever will. Instead I'm just going to have to muddle along and figure things out on the way, which hasn't killed me yet.
Life makes me tired sometimes. But then I climb a hill and look around and all those things I was worrying about in bed the night before are so erased from my memory that I can't remember anything except how great the world is. I had one of those moments about half an hour ago, looking out my window and watching the snowy world outside. I love winter, but mostly I love snow.
In other news,
I am still waffling between culinary and counseling. The pros and cons are pretty even in my book, which makes this difficult. In the end I think the major choice will be between emotional exhaustion or physical exhaustion. Who evens knows. I certainly don't.
 On top of that, I've been struggling with a few personal things. As a side note, I never really understood "personal things", because isn't everything personal? But I guess in my case "personal things" applies to interpersonal things, so allow me to ammend my statement- I've been struggling with interpersonal things.
Something cool that happened this month-
Nick was in need of friends forever and I volunteered, so we shook on it and now we are officially going to be friends forever. Everyone knows that handshakes are a super-official adult thing that you can do to cement friendships.
Also I got to see a couple of friends. Man I miss my friends! So it was nice to hang out. But I would like to say that if we are friends and you go sledding without me, I will be supremely disappointed.

Anyways.
I've returned from my familial festivites and I am currently enjoying the solitude of my own apartment. Man I love this apartment. I'll be sad when I have to leave, but I'm sure that my next adventure will have its own plus sides.



(PS/ in conclusion-
this post had nothing to do with the New Year, because I think it is mostly a bunch of baloney and if I really wanted to change myself I don't have to use the next calendar year as motivation. That being said, I usually rely on Sundays or the first day of the next month, both of which come around more often than the next year. So. There is that.)

Do I have a brain tumor or something?

The question of my past year.
What the heck is wrong with my brain?
Dyslexia is certainly high on the list of possibilities, because my father has it. Also my entire family has AD[H]D, so that definitely doesn't help.
But...?
I need to talk to my friend Kristy about this, she could give me some dyslexic-to-dyslexic talk...
My problem isn't really with the writing and spelling. I mean, not so obviously. It shows up sometimes, but mostly I have problems talking and hearing things.
I did some looking around, and apparently dyslexia can manifest as auditory dyslexia and verbal dyslexia. I didn't really realize I had a big problem until I worked at a pizza restaurant, and I had to take orders over the phone. I've always had problems distinguishing words when there's ambient noise going on in the background, but it was especially bad there. It didn't seem like people were speaking English to me sometimes! Someone would spell their name, "W-I-L-L-O-W!" and I would translate it as "Y-A-R-R-L-Y!" Letters would get mixed up phonetically in my mind. The worst ones were always W, R, L, Y, O, N, P... Basically half the alphabet. I had to make up my own way of dealing with it- I would repeat the sound of the letter that someone was saying, over and over- "double you eye ell ell oh double you" and break down each letter individually. "Okay, double you means W, eye means I, ell means? L!" and so forth. I started to feel really dumb! It was discouraging. It still is!
Here's what really gets me, though.
I can't remember it being this bad when I was a kid.
I mean, maybe it was. My memory isn't that reliable! But I can't remember really struggling like this. It seems to be getting worse! Why? I keep wondering. Am I just now starting to question the things that I thought were normal? Or are they actually getting worse?

Also my father just walked in as I was writing this and we had a semi-infurating discussion about a small part of this and the only thing we settled is that my entire family has Brain Problems. Thank you.

Anyways!

Brain Problems Suck
(oh my gosh you would not believe how long it took to type all this I am not feeling well I am going to stop)

quick update on rose hips? and music.

It took too much effort to cut them in half and scoop out the hair and seeds, so I got about four or five done before giving up and trying to dry them whole.
I left them in an oven I assumed was around 150 F for about four hours, and there wasn't much of a visible difference (except the skin gets dark? did I accidentally burn them?) but the skin starts to feel different. I put them in a different oven for about an hour, just so make sure, and now they're sitting on my kitchen table. I haven't touched them since Friday.
So!
Maybe I will go see what's happening over there now.


Until then,
enjoy this song.

Good story-
One of my student workers in the cafeteria told me that the guys in Twenty One Pilots went to Worthington Christian, and one or more of them were there the same time he was. He told me that at their concerts, a large portion of the crowd are their old schoolmates coming out to support them and rock along. Also he mentioned this "remix" where somebody ends up standing on the piano? I am unclear on the details. Anyway, it sounds cool! Six degrees of separation and whatnot.


EDIT: 
Well, this is interesting...
I seem to have lost my first blog post about this entire rose hips tea thing, with all the information on it. Which is a bummer, because I put all of that information in one place to make life easy and now I will probably have to go find it again. I just don't understand how it disappeared- that's what bugs me the most! Did I accidentally delete it? But I don't think I've been on since I made this update post thing. Is my memory that bad? Etc etc etc.
Anyways!
Life goes on.