("so this is the new year, and I don't feel any different")

So I've been having a few ups & downs lately, and there's definitely a pattern, so maybe I should get around to solving that? It's just... difficult.

Gosh, I don't even know how to word it!

Haha, I literally just wrote three different paragraphs, and deleted each one! Paragraph, thought, delete. Paragraph, rephrase, thought, delete. Paragraph, exasperated frustration with clumsy fingers, delete.

This is going to be an interesting year.
I have no idea what I'm going to do!
I guess that means that every week is going to be an adventure, hm? In the good way?
Let's hope so.


Things I Want to Start Doing-

• working out semi-regularly (biking, weights, etc.)
• cleaning
  
• going places with friends!
• going back to school....? eventually....?
  

BLARGH

OKAY SO ST LOUIS AND EVERYTHING SURROUNDING IT WAS FANTASTIC,
thank you Sab & Meg for being such wonderful hosts [& people], it was so great that I can't even remember in what order we did things.
Mostly I just want to live at the City Museum and get a metro pass or whatever so I can eat delicious food and drink great tea all the time, that would be the best course of action, yes.
My feelings are just a giant keyboard smash of warm fuzzies.

(also-
"He could be a very tiny assassin! I read about it once!"
or something like that, I should have written it down as soon as it happened!
and I cannot forget that dream I had, with the kittens that went BLARGH instead of those cute little mews, aaaahhhhhhahahahahaha I was so confused in the dream but now it just makes me laugh!)

and on that note I will leave you with toe socks in love.



PS
wow this is a really quality way to start the new year, first post and all that jazz, I think I am actually going to try to change things this year, like work on who I want to be and what the heck I'm doing with my life, so I may or may not discuss that when I'm not feeling so discombobulated. Haha, jokes on you, I'm like that almost all the time.

"I've got songs in my blood."

I REALLY LOVE THIS SONG.

I ADORE IT.

and so on and so forth.

This song will just randomly pop into my head sometimes, and at one point I was listening to it & drawing at the same time & this is what came out! I'm not sure if it's totally obvious, but that's supposed to be a yoke around his neck? Memory is an interesting thing, and it pretty much failed in that case. Haha!

Also, my brother directed my attention towards another band; their music is very chill & lounge-sounding, and I am quite fond of them so far. This is one of my favorites so far-



also this one!




Alright I'll stop there, but yay more music! I'll have to post more next time because I have a renewed love for Noah & the Whale. Their song, "The Love of an Orchestra" is just one of my favorite songs ever, at the moment. Probably forever! I just wish it were longer, because it's so beautiful. Anyways!


Life?

I am possibly getting another job...? I'm not sure if I want it, honestly, for a myriad of reasons. One, I'd be a homecare worker, helping an elderly patient around the house. That's not a big thing, I guess, but... it just makes me feel bad! I worked at an old folks' home for about a week of work-study in high school before doing everything I could to switch jobs into something else. Working with old people just feels like drowning! Maybe it would be different if I was working one-on-one, in the person's house, but still... Eeeh. Beyond that, there's the whole problem of how I'm going to get there. At the moment my family only has two cars, and between four of us having six jobs already... we're scrabbling just to make it work now! How would it work if I got a third job and needed rides? Would I have to start taking the bus? But bus routes are stupid and only available certain times of day and 99% of the time, it's the wrong time! Thirdly, I can't imagine that I'd have much energy after all this. The hours are 2 pm-10 pm, so I'd also have to adjust my current work schedule, since none of the places I work at have shifts that line up together.

The only pro in this case would be that I'm getting paid above $10/hour, getting in about 16 hours a week.
Part of me is saying, "No no no!"
and then my brain is sitting there saying, "If you go into it with that attitude, of course you won't enjoy it! Stop being silly, think of how much you'd be getting paid! You'd be able to save up to see all your friends much faster!"

So I guess that a part of me has already decided that I'm going to take the job...
Hahaha!
Well that's easier now.
I just have to grin and bear it, and the day when I can get on that plane will come even sooner!

huh. well. wow?

This is an interesting thing.

Here's my result-



and here's the second try that I did with my brother and I sort of discussing the answers?-



Haha! It's funny because I enjoy taking personality tests and things along those lines, because they're... so interesting! I'm not very good at figuring things out for myself, so it's fun to do things like this and then think about them, "Is this true? How true is it? How false?"
You know? It's like I'm teaching myself by playing hot & cold with tests! Yay or nay?



(PS I said there would be sketches and there are sketches TADA here's the first)



I don't know if you can read my handwriting in the bottom right, but... Yeah! What's it called? Water shape dynamics for speed? UUUGH, I know there's a word for it!

Balulalow

(music starts about 14 seconds in)




I just...really love them now.
There are a myriad of soft spots in my heart for various things. Musically, I think some of my major soft spots are female vocalists, harmony, and lyrics that sound cool/ inspiring (in a way that makes me want to draw things).
No female singers here, but they've got the other two.

(also wow, that's a really hard word to say. Balulalow. BUH. LOO. LUH. LAO. There, got it.

(be quiet I am in a music phase this is perfectly acceptable you'll get sketches soon shhhhhh)

PS- VENTING a little bit.

Because I think only people I know read this and it's okay if I vent here anyways?
I'm allowed to feel frustrated sometimes, we all do, it's okay.

Life isn't really anything, it's just life and the most we can do is just live it. We can work hard, we can be friendly, try to be nice, put effort into things, etc. Sometimes that works! Hardworking people can go places, get what they want, and succeed. Sometimes it doesn't turn out that way. That's life.
So why do I feel so... angry!

Here's the topic.
My sister.
It's horrible because she's literally the only noun that can get me really angry anymore. Other people can be rude to me, yell at me, say inappropriate or stupid or mean things- I'll be angry/upset/sad at first, but it'll mostly fade. I mean, if it was bad enough then I'll probably still be a little butthurt about it sometimes, but not like this.
It's sad because I feel like whenever I talk to my friends these days, all I can talk about is how angry I am at her and it makes me feel so horrible and guilty, like I'm a bad sister! But... ugh.
She is a constant source of stress and fury in my life.

Here's the current problem.
I just came back from working a year in Arizona, alright? I was getting paid about $460 a month, after taxes and helping one of the students stay enrolled. That's an okay paycheck for someone who works part-time. I wasn't working part-time. I was definitely full-time. SO FULL TIME it's almost not funny, just a little uncomfortably past the character building mark. If I had been getting paid minimum wage by the hour, I'd have made over $1,000 (before taxes). I'm not going to get into that experience right now, but the point is that I worked my butt off.
Okay.
So I come back from working my butt off, and the FIRST WEEK that I'm back home, I get a job. It's paying a little less than the my AZ job, but I'm working fewer hours and actually getting paid minimum wage. Alright, this is cool, I'm still working pretty hard but it's not quite as emotionally draining. I can do this. Maybe I can start saving up money, right?
Wrong.
Suddenly (except not suddenly, because this has been happening for a while and I just haven't heard about it) my family is behind on a bunch of payments and my bank account is going into the negatives every paycheck because I'm helping to pay the bills. Eventually I learn to have $10 hidden in my room so I can quickly deposit it before I get charged overdraft fees.
Oh look, Allison is sitting around the house doing NOTHING.
But wait! My mother sent in an application for her, and got her a job. Allison put about zero effort into this. But hey, she got a job! And look, it pays about a dollar more than mine! And she's getting slightly more hours! And we have a very slight discount on our groceries! There is hope for us (and my bank account) yet. Until she got fired for pulling a no-call-no-show twice.
But okay, she can get another job, right?
While she sits around and continues to do nothing?
Literally guys, she'll do the dishes a few times a week but other than that she'll just sit on the computer.
She says she's putting in applications! So why hasn't anyone called her back?
Meanwhile, I get a second job. Still getting paid minimum wage! Working much harder now, because I asked for more hours at that first job and got what I wanted in the worst way possible, in the form of my boss lecturing me about how I need to step up the pace because essentially I'm a failure! Wow, so inspiring! And would you believe it, my new boss at the other place believes almost the exact same thing! Man these jobs are great.
Hey, look!
My mother has decided to take things into her own hands once again, and submits another application for my sister, and ONCE AGAIN succeeds in getting her a job. This time she'll be working 40 hours a week, getting paid about $9.5/hour. That's $2 over minimum wage. That's about $1,500 before taxes. I'm jealous. So, so jealous. But it's a seasonal job, so I figure that it's not really worth giving up my other two jobs, which have slightly more job security (very slight, at this point). Surely my sister will have learned her lesson, and will focus at least half of her energy into not messing this up?
NOPE.
First day of training and she doesn't show up. She has to leave a message asking to reschedule, because 1) she left her purse at a party downtown a weekend ago, 2) her friend went back to Columbus to get it for her, 3) it's been sitting in his car for a few days, 4) she knew all that time that what she needed to start training was in her purse, 5) AND SHE DID NOTHING ABOUT IT. 6). SHE WASN'T EVEN GOING TO CALL THEM ASKING TO RESCHEDULE, EXCEPT I WAS WOKEN UP AT 6 AM BY MY FATHER TALKING LOUDLY AND ANGRILY TO HER BEFORE GIVING UP AND LETTING HER GO BACK TO SLEEP. But I was still awake, and if I was awake then she didn't deserve to be sleeping. So I went into her room and I NAGGED THE HELL OUT OF HER until one of my parents told me to leave her alone, and I went back to bed and cried because THIS ISN'T FAIR.

I'm getting less hours at my first job, now, because (like my boss said) I'm a failure. I'm only getting two shifts a week at my second job because I thought I'd be working more day shifts at my first job (false).
Through all of this, my parents expect me to keep the house clean. No, I phrased that wrong. They expect me to clean the house, because it is a mess, and THEN I have to keep it clean. Because I'm the responsible one. I'm responsible. I have a responsibility. To help the family.

You guys.

I'm twenty.

If you were to step back and look at my lifestyle choices, I'm pretty much a goody-two-shoes at this point. No smoking, no hangovers, no sex, no drugs... I rarely see my friends. Well, the two friends that are still in the same metro area. The other friends I basically never see.
That wasn't a "please feel sorry for me" paragraph. I mean, it probably was, but I'm just saying...

Life is hard.


Life is really, really, REALLY HARD.


I just want to go to St Louis, MO. Meet Sab, go up in the Arch, go to a museum or two, impose on Meg's hospitality. She'd get out her stash of tea leaves (so cool!) and we'd craft things together and be artsy and creative and fun. I might force her to let me read some more of her writing, too! Or I'd force her to read something. Either way, her arm is getting twisted. For the forces of good!

I just want to go to Alabama. First I'd see Ayana and Culo at Oakwood and hug them both. I don't have dreams with Ayana in them very often, but when she does appear I give her a hug. That's how good her hugs are. Then I'd go see DJ at Tuskegee, and he'd make me a mix drink or two and we'd share feelings. He's the best at making me talk about feelings, it's horrible.

I just want to go to Walla Walla, WA. That town is adorable. I'd get to meet Lance's new friends (he has such funny friends!) and we'd go see the Irish Haran Dancers or some other cultural event. We'd cook up a feast and eat delicious food, before or after a really fantastic adventure. Probably after, or else I wouldn't be able to move.

I just want to go to Scottsdale, AZ. Ethan is probably so big now! I'd see if I could get him to say my name. "Aunt Genevieve! Can you say that?" I'd use the oven to make something delicious for the girls dorm, and would once again feel the conditional outpouring of love that was nevertheless gratifying. I'd pick grapefruit from the tree and go tanning in the winter. Kristy and I would sit in the office when the girls had all gone to sleep, and we'd sit with our tea or coffee and talk about things going on.

I just want to go to Collegedale, TN. Kristy and I would talk until we couldn't stay awake, and she'd drag me around doing active fun things so that she wouldn't feel like a terrible hostess! Katie might take me on a hike, hopefully back to the place with the talking trees because there was a spinny thing on the playground. Lance's aunt & uncle & cousins are there too, so maybe I'd stop by and thank them for always taking me in whenever I hitch a ride with Lance.


...


It's not that I don't love my family. I love them, I love this house. I love how I can climb onto the roof and watch the sunrise when I have insomnia, I love how we have four animals and they all love me, I love that I don't have to worry about ceiling rats or cockroaches.


But I don't want to feel trapped here.

But I do.

Because most of the time, it feels like I am the most responsible person is this house. My parents would probably get so angry if they saw that! They'd rage about how they pay the bills and yadda yadda, but I won't go into that or I'll get angry too. That thought, the one where I'm so responsible, it's just... Why can't Allison be responsible too? Why is she literally getting handed these jobs, where she's working more and getting paid more? Why do her friends all live within 10 minutes of where we live, and why are they always so happy to not only drive her around without demanding gas money, but also pay for her? And she doesn't feel guilty about it?

Why does she still manage to think that her life is so hard?


I get that my life isn't that hard. I have to tell myself every other day that I could have it so much worse, or that if I tried harder then things wouldn't have worked out like this and if I try harder now then they can be better. I really understand that. Sometimes I just wish I could forget that, and just wallow in self pity. Which is kinda what I'm doing now.

Tomorrow I'm going to regret this, because it's childish and selfish and stupid.

But right now, I'm tired and angry and I can't forget that while I was driving home from work tonight, my mom tried to convince me that it would've been better for me to get that seasonal job with Allison, since it pays so much. She asked me if I had looked around for any places that are hiring third shift workers, or if I'd talked to my bosses about getting more hours. Then she just checked to make sure that I was making minimum wage and not two dollars more than minimum wage, which is what I could've been making if I had gotten that seasonal job.
I GET IT, OKAY?




Wow, I'm sorry, I'm already regretting this.