still quite new

Still quite sick. Mystery illness- we thought it was a stomache flu/ flu/ strep throat thing, but after starting Jan 23rd and having not let up since, my doctor is a little confused. I had a few tests done & they all came back negative, so now I probably have to get more tests done as well as keep a diary of my symptoms & all that jazz per day. WHAT SUCKS is that I've been throwing up at least once a day since mid-January and I haven't lost ANY WEIGHT. I mean, if I'm going to suffer terrible illness, I might as well gain (or in this case, lose) something from it, right?
Anywho.

Decided that God doesn't want me with Mark. Everytime I get close to doing something vaguely romantic with him, something random happens. For instance- every year, my school's Christmas concert is on the same day as his family's Christmas party, which is one of the three times every year that I get to see him. Boo. This year, however, Christmas concert was rescheduled due to weather hazards (ice storm). Of course, the day it's rescheduled on just so happens to be the same day that another event was scheduled on that I was planning to use as an opportunity to ask Mark out. Then I invite him to banquet- pay the money on time, get the form in on time, all of which is very shocking if you know who I am as well as the story from last year. I give him directions, everything covered. The night before banquet, his dad's car gets hit by a deer. His dad's ok, car totaled. No show. I TURNED DOWN TWO [very nice] GUY [friend]S to invite him, and of course felt like a total jerk when I showed up with an empty arm. Plus, ever since I've started praying to God that he would send me a nice man (preferably Mark) someone else starts to have a crush on me. Not that I hate these guys, they're all good friends, but the point is they're not Mark and I think God knows that. SO. God's got some sort of beef with Mark and I'm willing to accept that.
In conclusion- NO MORE MARK/ MEN. PERIOD.

As well as all this, there's also the whole college thing looming near. I mean, I didn't start worrying about it until now, which I guess fits right in with my procrastinating nature. Just wait until 2nd semester of Junior year when you're about to become a Senior to even put serious mental & emotional thought into what you want to spend a good portion of your life devoted to. Like, every time I come home from leave there are giant stacks of college letter things screaming at me from various places in the house. ARGH.

Then there's the parent thing, which is basically summed up like this- I'm not too fond of them at the present moment. I mean, I know I'm supposed to forgive Dad over & over & over until Jesus comes and beyond if I have to, but IT'S REALLY HARD. AND HE'S NOT MAKING IT ANY EASIER. Of course, that's no excuse, and I'll have to keep on keeping on. I just kinda hate being home. I just feel like I'm in a pressure cooker, and Dad's burning me as he let's off his steam. It's because my family sucks at communicating anything except anger and humor, and sometimes not even that. Rawr. Anger.

And ever since Meg moved away, I have no one to talk to at school. I mean, I talk to people & everything, but I don't have anyone reasonable & understanding enough to release my unreasonable girly vents on. I mean, Yani & Kristy are good people, but... Neither of them are even close to my wavelength, whereas Meg & I have gotten to the piont where we can nearly always read each others minds. Even over the phone. And her appliances have picked up on it too- they mirror my thoughts. Seriously. No joke. I've had to use Dean Shiela as resident therapist, which I must admit she is AMAZING at. Makes my day.

I believe that there is quite a bit more going on that I can't recall, but I'll spare the details. I would just like to end on this thought-

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH GOD SAVE ME!

_amen.