[final-ish?] COUNTDOWN

(It's not really the final countdown, Lord knows there will be plenty more, but it feels rather large anyways.)

(Also, ha! I wasn't expecting anyone to read the entire rant, but kudos to Jhio & everyone else who manages.)



This post is purely to say-

FIVE DAYS!

Here's a list of expected activites-


NUMBER ONE- SLEEPING.
(no order exists after number one.)

• Cedar Point


• Columbus Zoo


• COSI


• Garden of Roses/ Whetstone Park


• Franklin Park Conservatory


• see something at the Palace Theatre


• Museum of Art


• Ye Olde Mille


• North Market


• Basically all of High Street. Does that count? I'm making it count.


• visiting Ayana in Cleveland


• visiting Meg (& Sab!) in Hannibal


• and apparently there's this Topiary Garden? Want to check that out. I always thought that topiaries were a bit creepy, but that's just me.

-And have my camera present wherever I go. Possibly the video camera? I feel like that would be a good idea, but I also feel semi creeper-ish. Who cares, I just need to figure out how I'm carrying all that.

Haha!

This thought just popped into my head, and I'm warning you that I'm terrible at wording things without thinking about them for at least six months. So.

Some people are mostly sad. If it's clinical, it depression. If it's not, then it's just loneliness or sadness or boredom or longing or so on and so forth.
Other people are mostly happy. They're just blessed with the strength to keep on keeping on, or the fount of optimism, or they just don't care. Whatever.
Now here's my thought- I think that I usually fit into the "mostly happy" category, but have recently changed. I fit a new category, and it is this- "mostly angry".

Because that's what I've been feeling.

I mean, blaming it on hormones only works for so long before the headache sets in and I start to think to myself, "Lets weigh the cons of punching this kids against the pros." (true story)

Let's look at the past few days. I've been subbing classes, which hasn't been too hard because it's finals week and I just have to make sure they don't kill each other. On the other hand, it's draining because these kids make me furious. One class broke a chair, in another class I had to send a kid out of the classroom before a fist fight started, and in yet another class I nearly went into a screaming tirade after a student began a soliloquy about how "gay" it was that they had to even be in the class (so many words I didn't say. SO MANY. For instance- DO YOU THINK I ENJOY BEING HERE LISTENING TO YOUR SORRY ASS COMPLAINING? ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU USE A SLUR LIKE THAT? But I didn't say that, I just ignored them and read Whitman and crocheted).
After subbing, I come back to the dorm. Yesterday I accidentally traumatized a student by killing a rat in front of her. I "didn't give her time to run", which is stupid because she had plenty of time to run and not be a witness but all she did for those few precious seconds after the rat was released was stand there and mumble about how sad it looks and try to think of words that would make me see that just setting it gently by the dumpster was the best course of action when CLEARLY it is a RAT and I don't know if I've mentioned this but I HATE RATS.
Anyways.
Today after getting back to the dorm, I cleaned. This always, without fail, puts me into a rage. The girls here just... Ugh. Hard to find words for it. They are disgusting. For instance- a week or two ago, Dean Kristy and I made cupcakes for them, and set out icing so they could ice their own cupcakes and all that jazz. I AM STILL FINDING WRAPPERS. And then they just leave their soda cans everywhere, whether they're full or not. And... just everything.

Then this new situation (DJ, told you about this) has just been huge on my mind. AUGH. I don't know how to summarize this, so I'll just rant.

BEGIN.

Here's the story.

I ask to borrow a student's laptop. She says okay, but she's acting weird when she says it. She puts her head down and looks guilty or sheepish or I don't know, I'm not exactly super at figuring it out. I ask her if she's going to use it, give her time to make an excuse for me not to use it, but she says it's okay again. So I just brush it off and start using it. The reason I asked to use it is because I had made a video for my friends and family near the beginning of the year, and they loved it, so I figured that I could make one again to tell them all how I excited I am to be coming back and all that jazz. I finish making the video, I load it on to youtube, and it's a minute away from finishing the upload when I get a text- "Ready to go!" This was a signal from my friend/ boss for me to hurry up and get my boxes in the car, so we could ship out the first fleet of packed stuff. Of course I have to leave the laptop there & get out, but I know that the girl isn't on campus anymore & isn't going to need it soon so I don't worry about it.

We get back from our errand, and I go immediately back to the laptop to find it locked. So I wait for the girl to get back, since she's not on campus. I wait, and I text her, and I wait, and I text her again, and I wait. Then I go to dinner, and I see her there! But I don't say anything to her, because I'm holding out a hope that she'll look at her phone and be reminded that I am waiting for her. No such luck, because I go back to the dorm and wait some more. I hear her laughing from down the hall, and decide to go see what's going on. She says that her phone died, which I think is a reasonable excuse not to have replied to me, but I have to leave before I get the chance to demand that she unlock the laptop (another student came in and it was clear that I wasn't wanted in the conversation). SO surprise surprise, I go back and wait some more. Then I text my boss/ friend, because I know that she'll answer. This is the exact conversation.

Me: Are you guys done now? I just need T--- to put in her password.
DK: Almost. For what?
Me: Her laptop. I started loading a video for my family before we left, & it locked while I was gone.
DK: :( Really shouldn't be using students computers. Plus T---'s mo doesn't want other people using it (that includes us)
Me: Wasn't aware of that. If it's any consolation, I can personally make sure that this is the last time I ask to use it.
DK: Yeah T--- feels bad telling you no because you're her dean.
Me: Sorry about that. As soon as she unlocks it, I can finish & stop making her feel guilty.
DK: No. She needs it back now. You'll see your family next week.

After which I asked where to put the laptop (after having a small conniption fit), and received no reply. So I put it in her room, to which she did not return until MUCH later leading me to believe that the whole "she needs it now" thing was obviously a lie.

I know I was a tad snippy, but please keep in mind the amount of waiting I had done, and how eager I was just to finish the video and wash my hands of that mess.

HERE'S WHAT PISSES ME OFF ABOUT THIS SCENARIO-

1) The fact that she couldn't say it to my face. Not only did she not say no when I gave her a chance, but after she said yes she had to go behind my back, TO MY BOSS, and manipulate the only adult I hang out with into wielding her power over me. I really appreciate when people are straight up with me, and I hate things like this. It smacks of cowardice and dishonesty.

2) Not only did she go crying behind my back, but I'm guessing she lied and manipulated my boss to do so. I get the feeling that she made me seem like the villain- like I constantly use my power to steal her laptop from her unwilling hands. The truth is that I while I do ask to use her laptop, it is not nearly as often as I ask to use other students', and she has had no problem in the past with making up some excuse to avoid telling me no (which I find annoying, but I put up with it). In all honesty, I can't have borrowed her laptop more than four times.

3) How much have I done for this girl, and she can't let me use her laptop to make a video for the people I love? How much? I have held her while she cries, I have fed her food that I bought with my own money and often enough I was unwilling to part with that food, but I did it anyways. I have made her tea when I didn't feel like it, cracked her back, listened to her ramble even though I don't care an ounce, so on and so forth. I even put up with her constant demands to buy my new beloved jean vest off of me (she's seriously spoiled, did I mention that?). So yes, I feel as if she owes me at least that.

4) This feels like one giant betrayal to me. This girl had been one of three that I had admitted to myself that I was getting personally invested in. I had told her stories that I hadn't told any of the other students, and I had confided in her. I don't confide in people easily, and I feel extremely cautious about it this year, with the students. But she just seemed so interested, and she would actually ask, which is really almost everything it takes to get me talking. And then she goes and does this.

4 & a half) Part of why this betrayal hurts so much is because this is coming right on the heels of losing the first almost-friend I had made here. I'm still pretty torn up about that, I'll admit, because I have no idea what the hell I did wrong to cause the situation. So, double whammy is no fun.

5) SHE IS A SPOILED, MANIPULATIVE LITTLE CHILD AND I WILL NEVER SPEAK TO HER DIRECTLY AGAIN. End of story.





For the record-

When someone hurts me like this, there is no true forgiveness. I don't know if it's the Sicilian/ Italian thing, I don't know if it's just a personal trait, but it's how I work. I haven't forgotten the people who hurt me in first grade, and I will not forget this.



That being said, I feel slightly better.

Still pretty pissed though.

That last text will always put me in a rage. Without fail. I almost threw my phone across the room while I was typing it out.



END.





Okay, done for the night. I'm just drained.
EXCEPT
I watched Gnomeo & Juliet, and it was so cute! The original story by Shakespeare is actually one of my least favorites (I mean, it has good lines, but I just think that the kids are so stupid), and this was just adorable. They manage to kill people without making it really stupid! Yay!

So here's the plan thus far.

1) Get a job.
2) Get into culinary school.
3) Move out of childhood home. ASAP.
4) Save up money to buy a car, laptop, new camera lens, etc.
5) Be a culinary school BEAST.
6) Graduate culinary school.
7) Get a job in England!
7 ½) While in Enlgand, meet Charlie. Don't make it awkward.
7 ¾) Also while in England, date awesome Englishman. Possibly Charlie.
8) At some point after that, open up cafe/ bakery/ teashop/ bookstore/ gallery.
9) Alia= resident artist.
10) Be amazing.

Must resist caps lock...

...
I CAN'T.

GUYS I'M SO EXCITED ABOUT THE [very distant and somewhat possible] FUTURE.

Aw man, but now I'm starting to second guess myself. Oh well, excited rant shall continue as planned.

So remember how I went into college resigned to become a chiropractor because it was practical? Yeah. And then when I got this job here and loved it, and thought, "Hey, I think it'd be great to be a teacher!" Ha! That went super. And now at the end of the year, after actually experiencing the high school teacher's enviroment, I've changed my mind again.

Except this isn't exactly a change of mind as it is an embracing of my pipe dream, which just so happens to be the same "if only" dream of nearly every one of my friends-

to own a cafe/ bakery/ gallery/ bookstore/ whatever.


WE SO EXCITED.


SO yeah, that's currently what I'm super stoked about.
I've sent in some request for information things from culinary schools in the greater Columbus area, so hopefully I'll be getting stuff in the mail soon.

Last night I spent a good amount of time talking to one of my friends about this, and he said, "I'm going to be honest with you... If you open a cafe, it can't just be a cafe, like with the normal cafe stuff. Because you aren't normal- you're crazy, and you need a crazy cool, totally unique cafe. Or else it wouldn't be yours."
LET ME JUST SAY THAT I HAVE THE BEST FRIENDS EVER.

(hehe, DJ you're not the only one who embarasses yourself by saying cute things)

So the point is- do you guys have any suggestions?
I mean, within reason. It'll probably be a really small place (at first!), and it might just be me and hopefully one other person working there. I've put some thought into the menu, and there will definitely be oodles of tea, so there's that. Definitely desserts: cookies, cupcakes, muffins, tiramisu, baklava, tres leche, biscotti... That's all I can think of at the moment, but those first three are just categories and there will definitely be a plethora of those. Then I'm thinking maybe some easy to make savory foods: miso soup, samosas, bruscetta, pita & hummus, grilled cheese, that kind of thing. Not going to lie, my bruscetta is pretty fantastic.
And then besides the food, I was hoping to have some local artists display their stuff on the walls. And then I could have a few bookshelves of course, stocked with my favorites and the classics and random other things.



BUT WHAT ELSE CAN THERE BE?

AND WHAT WILL I NAME IT?

(Cafe Diem is taken, many times over.)

SUGGESTIONS?

DETERMINATION

is not my middle name, but it's a good way to describe what I'm feeling right now.

So I'm trying to save up money for a car. I have about a thousand in the bank now, and my parents say that they'll match me for another thousand. This is my last month of getting paid, so I can expect about $400 coming in there.

This leaves me $200 to spend on food.

AND SPEND IT I WILL.

Story time.
Back when my first best friend got her first job being a waitress, she would make ridiculous tips because she is pretty and charming (the charming part is key). But instead of saving her money for college or a car or anything like that, she splurged on clothes. She would buy these name brand socks and I'd think to myself, "What? Why the hell would you waste your money on that?" Because personally, I would much rather buy something that looks semi-decent at a thrift store than buy something that looks fashionable at a namebrand place, where the price is at least five times what I'd pay for the thrift store clothing.

And then I got this job.

I kid you not, the first few months, I didn't even know what I was doing. I gained ten pounds. It wasn't as if all of my paycheck went to food. I bought plane tickets, I donated money to the worthy student fund, all that jazz. But it was a good portion.
So recently I've had to restrain myself, in order to save up for this car. Now that I've reached the goal amount... Forget saving up for a laptop. Forget saving up for a new lens for my camera. FORGET IT. I will get another job, I will buy it later, but right now I am going to FEAST UPON EVERYTHING.

(In moderation. Trying not to gain ten pounds again.)

To quote that one guy,

"I'm not dead yet!"

(Gotta love Monty Python.)


So, thanks for the comments. I can see them in my email now, but I can't reply on your guys' blogger page things. Blogs. Right.

As I was saying-

I'm feeling much better.

Two songs have been on repeat in my mind- "L.I.F.E.G.O.E.S.O.N." and "This Too Shall Pass".

SO HERE'S A MUSIC VIDEO,
in case you haven't seen it before.
And if you have, that's okay because you can watch it again.

(in which I become a flip-flopping mess)

I got fired.

Well, the equivalent of it. They said that they aren't giving me a contract for next year, which is the same thing. Technically, "they" didn't say anything. Dean Kristy had to break it to me.
No tears, no real breakdowns, none of that.
To be honest, I'm not that concerned about the fact that I just got fired. I mean, they had legitimate reasons. I've slept through two classes that I was supposed to have been subbing, I lose my phone and keys on a regular basis, et cetera. I've got my pros, but my cons were enough to get me fired. So be it.

No, I'm more worried about what happens next.
What colleges do I want to go to? Where can I find another job? I really want to apply for a college in Australia, and England. Is my desire to leave the country just me running away from my problems, in the same way that me switching states was? Where will I live? I need to buy a car, I want to buy a laptop, I need to pay off my student loans, I HAVE NO JOB. I HAVE NO PLANS.

Essentially, this is just a giant slap in the face & someone screaming, "HEY WAKE UP! YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE DOING, AND IT'S TIME THAT YOU KNOW IT!"

A few days before this happened, I was writing about how much I would love to travel. Well, here's my opportunity. Study abroad! Run away from life! Have fun exploring! Go through the pain of separation once again! Carpe diem!

Do I have the right to wallow a little bit?
Okay, here's something that bugs me-
The people who fired me are leaving next year. Everyone else thinks I'm a great assistant dean. Hey, this is my first real job, and it's a super relaxed enviroment. Can I get some time to adjust? No? Oh hey, that's cool.
Dean Kristy and I had a meeting with the RAs in the dorm, and I had her tell them because I know that I have a tendency to be blunt. So she says, "Dean Genevieve has decided to go back to school next year, and won't be here." WHAT? I mean, I get it: don't make them panic, protect your bosses, whatever. But I guess the reason I'm so blunt is because I think that telling only half the truth is still telling half a lie. So in my mind, she wasn't telling the truth, and it kind of upsets me.
We're going to have a dorm meeting sometime this week, and I'm going to have to stick to what she said. Not because I want to, but because I know it's the right thing to do and I'm an adult.
I don't need to drag my personal feelings into my job, even though my job is basically everything to me seeing as how I spend 99% of my time here. Sure, no problem. I just decided to go back to college after telling everyone that I'd be coming back next year. Yeah, great.

Fffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuu
uuuudge brownies.



It's late. I'm probably going to feel a little different about everything in the morning. Whatever. I just want a job.