This thought just popped into my head, and I'm warning you that I'm terrible at wording things without thinking about them for at least six months. So.
Some people are mostly sad. If it's clinical, it depression. If it's not, then it's just loneliness or sadness or boredom or longing or so on and so forth.
Other people are mostly happy. They're just blessed with the strength to keep on keeping on, or the fount of optimism, or they just don't care. Whatever.
Now here's my thought- I think that I usually fit into the "mostly happy" category, but have recently changed. I fit a new category, and it is this- "mostly angry".
Because that's what I've been feeling.
I mean, blaming it on hormones only works for so long before the headache sets in and I start to think to myself, "Lets weigh the cons of punching this kids against the pros." (true story)
Let's look at the past few days. I've been subbing classes, which hasn't been too hard because it's finals week and I just have to make sure they don't kill each other. On the other hand, it's draining because these kids make me furious. One class broke a chair, in another class I had to send a kid out of the classroom before a fist fight started, and in yet another class I nearly went into a screaming tirade after a student began a soliloquy about how "gay" it was that they had to even be in the class (so many words I didn't say. SO MANY. For instance- DO YOU THINK I ENJOY BEING HERE LISTENING TO YOUR SORRY ASS COMPLAINING? ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU USE A SLUR LIKE THAT? But I didn't say that, I just ignored them and read Whitman and crocheted).
After subbing, I come back to the dorm. Yesterday I accidentally traumatized a student by killing a rat in front of her. I "didn't give her time to run", which is stupid because she had plenty of time to run and not be a witness but all she did for those few precious seconds after the rat was released was stand there and mumble about how sad it looks and try to think of words that would make me see that just setting it gently by the dumpster was the best course of action when CLEARLY it is a RAT and I don't know if I've mentioned this but I HATE RATS.
Today after getting back to the dorm, I cleaned. This always, without fail, puts me into a rage. The girls here just... Ugh. Hard to find words for it. They are disgusting. For instance- a week or two ago, Dean Kristy and I made cupcakes for them, and set out icing so they could ice their own cupcakes and all that jazz. I AM STILL FINDING WRAPPERS. And then they just leave their soda cans everywhere, whether they're full or not. And... just everything.
Then this new situation (DJ, told you about this) has just been huge on my mind. AUGH. I don't know how to summarize this, so I'll just rant.
Here's the story.
I ask to borrow a student's laptop. She says okay, but she's acting weird when she says it. She puts her head down and looks guilty or sheepish or I don't know, I'm not exactly super at figuring it out. I ask her if she's going to use it, give her time to make an excuse for me not to use it, but she says it's okay again. So I just brush it off and start using it. The reason I asked to use it is because I had made a video for my friends and family near the beginning of the year, and they loved it, so I figured that I could make one again to tell them all how I excited I am to be coming back and all that jazz. I finish making the video, I load it on to youtube, and it's a minute away from finishing the upload when I get a text- "Ready to go!" This was a signal from my friend/ boss for me to hurry up and get my boxes in the car, so we could ship out the first fleet of packed stuff. Of course I have to leave the laptop there & get out, but I know that the girl isn't on campus anymore & isn't going to need it soon so I don't worry about it.
We get back from our errand, and I go immediately back to the laptop to find it locked. So I wait for the girl to get back, since she's not on campus. I wait, and I text her, and I wait, and I text her again, and I wait. Then I go to dinner, and I see her there! But I don't say anything to her, because I'm holding out a hope that she'll look at her phone and be reminded that I am waiting for her. No such luck, because I go back to the dorm and wait some more. I hear her laughing from down the hall, and decide to go see what's going on. She says that her phone died, which I think is a reasonable excuse not to have replied to me, but I have to leave before I get the chance to demand that she unlock the laptop (another student came in and it was clear that I wasn't wanted in the conversation). SO surprise surprise, I go back and wait some more. Then I text my boss/ friend, because I know that she'll answer. This is the exact conversation.
Me: Are you guys done now? I just need T--- to put in her password.
DK: Almost. For what?
Me: Her laptop. I started loading a video for my family before we left, & it locked while I was gone.
DK: :( Really shouldn't be using students computers. Plus T---'s mo doesn't want other people using it (that includes us)
Me: Wasn't aware of that. If it's any consolation, I can personally make sure that this is the last time I ask to use it.
DK: Yeah T--- feels bad telling you no because you're her dean.
Me: Sorry about that. As soon as she unlocks it, I can finish & stop making her feel guilty.
DK: No. She needs it back now. You'll see your family next week.
After which I asked where to put the laptop (after having a small conniption fit), and received no reply. So I put it in her room, to which she did not return until MUCH later leading me to believe that the whole "she needs it now" thing was obviously a lie.
I know I was a tad snippy, but please keep in mind the amount of waiting I had done, and how eager I was just to finish the video and wash my hands of that mess.
HERE'S WHAT PISSES ME OFF ABOUT THIS SCENARIO-
1) The fact that she couldn't say it to my face. Not only did she not say no when I gave her a chance, but after she said yes she had to go behind my back, TO MY BOSS, and manipulate the only adult I hang out with into wielding her power over me. I really appreciate when people are straight up with me, and I hate things like this. It smacks of cowardice and dishonesty.
2) Not only did she go crying behind my back, but I'm guessing she lied and manipulated my boss to do so. I get the feeling that she made me seem like the villain- like I constantly use my power to steal her laptop from her unwilling hands. The truth is that I while I do ask to use her laptop, it is not nearly as often as I ask to use other students', and she has had no problem in the past with making up some excuse to avoid telling me no (which I find annoying, but I put up with it). In all honesty, I can't have borrowed her laptop more than four times.
3) How much have I done for this girl, and she can't let me use her laptop to make a video for the people I love? How much? I have held her while she cries, I have fed her food that I bought with my own money and often enough I was unwilling to part with that food, but I did it anyways. I have made her tea when I didn't feel like it, cracked her back, listened to her ramble even though I don't care an ounce, so on and so forth. I even put up with her constant demands to buy my new beloved jean vest off of me (she's seriously spoiled, did I mention that?). So yes, I feel as if she owes me at least that.
4) This feels like one giant betrayal to me. This girl had been one of three that I had admitted to myself that I was getting personally invested in. I had told her stories that I hadn't told any of the other students, and I had confided in her. I don't confide in people easily, and I feel extremely cautious about it this year, with the students. But she just seemed so interested, and she would actually ask, which is really almost everything it takes to get me talking. And then she goes and does this.
4 & a half) Part of why this betrayal hurts so much is because this is coming right on the heels of losing the first almost-friend I had made here. I'm still pretty torn up about that, I'll admit, because I have no idea what the hell I did wrong to cause the situation. So, double whammy is no fun.
5) SHE IS A SPOILED, MANIPULATIVE LITTLE CHILD AND I WILL NEVER SPEAK TO HER DIRECTLY AGAIN. End of story.
For the record-
When someone hurts me like this, there is no true forgiveness. I don't know if it's the Sicilian/ Italian thing, I don't know if it's just a personal trait, but it's how I work. I haven't forgotten the people who hurt me in first grade, and I will not forget this.
That being said, I feel slightly better.
Still pretty pissed though.
That last text will always put me in a rage. Without fail. I almost threw my phone across the room while I was typing it out.
Okay, done for the night. I'm just drained.
I watched Gnomeo & Juliet, and it was so cute! The original story by Shakespeare is actually one of my least favorites (I mean, it has good lines, but I just think that the kids are so stupid), and this was just adorable. They manage to kill people without making it really stupid! Yay!