"I've got songs in my blood."

I REALLY LOVE THIS SONG.

I ADORE IT.

and so on and so forth.

This song will just randomly pop into my head sometimes, and at one point I was listening to it & drawing at the same time & this is what came out! I'm not sure if it's totally obvious, but that's supposed to be a yoke around his neck? Memory is an interesting thing, and it pretty much failed in that case. Haha!

Also, my brother directed my attention towards another band; their music is very chill & lounge-sounding, and I am quite fond of them so far. This is one of my favorites so far-



also this one!




Alright I'll stop there, but yay more music! I'll have to post more next time because I have a renewed love for Noah & the Whale. Their song, "The Love of an Orchestra" is just one of my favorite songs ever, at the moment. Probably forever! I just wish it were longer, because it's so beautiful. Anyways!


Life?

I am possibly getting another job...? I'm not sure if I want it, honestly, for a myriad of reasons. One, I'd be a homecare worker, helping an elderly patient around the house. That's not a big thing, I guess, but... it just makes me feel bad! I worked at an old folks' home for about a week of work-study in high school before doing everything I could to switch jobs into something else. Working with old people just feels like drowning! Maybe it would be different if I was working one-on-one, in the person's house, but still... Eeeh. Beyond that, there's the whole problem of how I'm going to get there. At the moment my family only has two cars, and between four of us having six jobs already... we're scrabbling just to make it work now! How would it work if I got a third job and needed rides? Would I have to start taking the bus? But bus routes are stupid and only available certain times of day and 99% of the time, it's the wrong time! Thirdly, I can't imagine that I'd have much energy after all this. The hours are 2 pm-10 pm, so I'd also have to adjust my current work schedule, since none of the places I work at have shifts that line up together.

The only pro in this case would be that I'm getting paid above $10/hour, getting in about 16 hours a week.
Part of me is saying, "No no no!"
and then my brain is sitting there saying, "If you go into it with that attitude, of course you won't enjoy it! Stop being silly, think of how much you'd be getting paid! You'd be able to save up to see all your friends much faster!"

So I guess that a part of me has already decided that I'm going to take the job...
Hahaha!
Well that's easier now.
I just have to grin and bear it, and the day when I can get on that plane will come even sooner!

huh. well. wow?

This is an interesting thing.

Here's my result-



and here's the second try that I did with my brother and I sort of discussing the answers?-



Haha! It's funny because I enjoy taking personality tests and things along those lines, because they're... so interesting! I'm not very good at figuring things out for myself, so it's fun to do things like this and then think about them, "Is this true? How true is it? How false?"
You know? It's like I'm teaching myself by playing hot & cold with tests! Yay or nay?



(PS I said there would be sketches and there are sketches TADA here's the first)



I don't know if you can read my handwriting in the bottom right, but... Yeah! What's it called? Water shape dynamics for speed? UUUGH, I know there's a word for it!

Balulalow

(music starts about 14 seconds in)




I just...really love them now.
There are a myriad of soft spots in my heart for various things. Musically, I think some of my major soft spots are female vocalists, harmony, and lyrics that sound cool/ inspiring (in a way that makes me want to draw things).
No female singers here, but they've got the other two.

(also wow, that's a really hard word to say. Balulalow. BUH. LOO. LUH. LAO. There, got it.

(be quiet I am in a music phase this is perfectly acceptable you'll get sketches soon shhhhhh)

PS- VENTING a little bit.

Because I think only people I know read this and it's okay if I vent here anyways?
I'm allowed to feel frustrated sometimes, we all do, it's okay.

Life isn't really anything, it's just life and the most we can do is just live it. We can work hard, we can be friendly, try to be nice, put effort into things, etc. Sometimes that works! Hardworking people can go places, get what they want, and succeed. Sometimes it doesn't turn out that way. That's life.
So why do I feel so... angry!

Here's the topic.
My sister.
It's horrible because she's literally the only noun that can get me really angry anymore. Other people can be rude to me, yell at me, say inappropriate or stupid or mean things- I'll be angry/upset/sad at first, but it'll mostly fade. I mean, if it was bad enough then I'll probably still be a little butthurt about it sometimes, but not like this.
It's sad because I feel like whenever I talk to my friends these days, all I can talk about is how angry I am at her and it makes me feel so horrible and guilty, like I'm a bad sister! But... ugh.
She is a constant source of stress and fury in my life.

Here's the current problem.
I just came back from working a year in Arizona, alright? I was getting paid about $460 a month, after taxes and helping one of the students stay enrolled. That's an okay paycheck for someone who works part-time. I wasn't working part-time. I was definitely full-time. SO FULL TIME it's almost not funny, just a little uncomfortably past the character building mark. If I had been getting paid minimum wage by the hour, I'd have made over $1,000 (before taxes). I'm not going to get into that experience right now, but the point is that I worked my butt off.
Okay.
So I come back from working my butt off, and the FIRST WEEK that I'm back home, I get a job. It's paying a little less than the my AZ job, but I'm working fewer hours and actually getting paid minimum wage. Alright, this is cool, I'm still working pretty hard but it's not quite as emotionally draining. I can do this. Maybe I can start saving up money, right?
Wrong.
Suddenly (except not suddenly, because this has been happening for a while and I just haven't heard about it) my family is behind on a bunch of payments and my bank account is going into the negatives every paycheck because I'm helping to pay the bills. Eventually I learn to have $10 hidden in my room so I can quickly deposit it before I get charged overdraft fees.
Oh look, Allison is sitting around the house doing NOTHING.
But wait! My mother sent in an application for her, and got her a job. Allison put about zero effort into this. But hey, she got a job! And look, it pays about a dollar more than mine! And she's getting slightly more hours! And we have a very slight discount on our groceries! There is hope for us (and my bank account) yet. Until she got fired for pulling a no-call-no-show twice.
But okay, she can get another job, right?
While she sits around and continues to do nothing?
Literally guys, she'll do the dishes a few times a week but other than that she'll just sit on the computer.
She says she's putting in applications! So why hasn't anyone called her back?
Meanwhile, I get a second job. Still getting paid minimum wage! Working much harder now, because I asked for more hours at that first job and got what I wanted in the worst way possible, in the form of my boss lecturing me about how I need to step up the pace because essentially I'm a failure! Wow, so inspiring! And would you believe it, my new boss at the other place believes almost the exact same thing! Man these jobs are great.
Hey, look!
My mother has decided to take things into her own hands once again, and submits another application for my sister, and ONCE AGAIN succeeds in getting her a job. This time she'll be working 40 hours a week, getting paid about $9.5/hour. That's $2 over minimum wage. That's about $1,500 before taxes. I'm jealous. So, so jealous. But it's a seasonal job, so I figure that it's not really worth giving up my other two jobs, which have slightly more job security (very slight, at this point). Surely my sister will have learned her lesson, and will focus at least half of her energy into not messing this up?
NOPE.
First day of training and she doesn't show up. She has to leave a message asking to reschedule, because 1) she left her purse at a party downtown a weekend ago, 2) her friend went back to Columbus to get it for her, 3) it's been sitting in his car for a few days, 4) she knew all that time that what she needed to start training was in her purse, 5) AND SHE DID NOTHING ABOUT IT. 6). SHE WASN'T EVEN GOING TO CALL THEM ASKING TO RESCHEDULE, EXCEPT I WAS WOKEN UP AT 6 AM BY MY FATHER TALKING LOUDLY AND ANGRILY TO HER BEFORE GIVING UP AND LETTING HER GO BACK TO SLEEP. But I was still awake, and if I was awake then she didn't deserve to be sleeping. So I went into her room and I NAGGED THE HELL OUT OF HER until one of my parents told me to leave her alone, and I went back to bed and cried because THIS ISN'T FAIR.

I'm getting less hours at my first job, now, because (like my boss said) I'm a failure. I'm only getting two shifts a week at my second job because I thought I'd be working more day shifts at my first job (false).
Through all of this, my parents expect me to keep the house clean. No, I phrased that wrong. They expect me to clean the house, because it is a mess, and THEN I have to keep it clean. Because I'm the responsible one. I'm responsible. I have a responsibility. To help the family.

You guys.

I'm twenty.

If you were to step back and look at my lifestyle choices, I'm pretty much a goody-two-shoes at this point. No smoking, no hangovers, no sex, no drugs... I rarely see my friends. Well, the two friends that are still in the same metro area. The other friends I basically never see.
That wasn't a "please feel sorry for me" paragraph. I mean, it probably was, but I'm just saying...

Life is hard.


Life is really, really, REALLY HARD.


I just want to go to St Louis, MO. Meet Sab, go up in the Arch, go to a museum or two, impose on Meg's hospitality. She'd get out her stash of tea leaves (so cool!) and we'd craft things together and be artsy and creative and fun. I might force her to let me read some more of her writing, too! Or I'd force her to read something. Either way, her arm is getting twisted. For the forces of good!

I just want to go to Alabama. First I'd see Ayana and Culo at Oakwood and hug them both. I don't have dreams with Ayana in them very often, but when she does appear I give her a hug. That's how good her hugs are. Then I'd go see DJ at Tuskegee, and he'd make me a mix drink or two and we'd share feelings. He's the best at making me talk about feelings, it's horrible.

I just want to go to Walla Walla, WA. That town is adorable. I'd get to meet Lance's new friends (he has such funny friends!) and we'd go see the Irish Haran Dancers or some other cultural event. We'd cook up a feast and eat delicious food, before or after a really fantastic adventure. Probably after, or else I wouldn't be able to move.

I just want to go to Scottsdale, AZ. Ethan is probably so big now! I'd see if I could get him to say my name. "Aunt Genevieve! Can you say that?" I'd use the oven to make something delicious for the girls dorm, and would once again feel the conditional outpouring of love that was nevertheless gratifying. I'd pick grapefruit from the tree and go tanning in the winter. Kristy and I would sit in the office when the girls had all gone to sleep, and we'd sit with our tea or coffee and talk about things going on.

I just want to go to Collegedale, TN. Kristy and I would talk until we couldn't stay awake, and she'd drag me around doing active fun things so that she wouldn't feel like a terrible hostess! Katie might take me on a hike, hopefully back to the place with the talking trees because there was a spinny thing on the playground. Lance's aunt & uncle & cousins are there too, so maybe I'd stop by and thank them for always taking me in whenever I hitch a ride with Lance.


...


It's not that I don't love my family. I love them, I love this house. I love how I can climb onto the roof and watch the sunrise when I have insomnia, I love how we have four animals and they all love me, I love that I don't have to worry about ceiling rats or cockroaches.


But I don't want to feel trapped here.

But I do.

Because most of the time, it feels like I am the most responsible person is this house. My parents would probably get so angry if they saw that! They'd rage about how they pay the bills and yadda yadda, but I won't go into that or I'll get angry too. That thought, the one where I'm so responsible, it's just... Why can't Allison be responsible too? Why is she literally getting handed these jobs, where she's working more and getting paid more? Why do her friends all live within 10 minutes of where we live, and why are they always so happy to not only drive her around without demanding gas money, but also pay for her? And she doesn't feel guilty about it?

Why does she still manage to think that her life is so hard?


I get that my life isn't that hard. I have to tell myself every other day that I could have it so much worse, or that if I tried harder then things wouldn't have worked out like this and if I try harder now then they can be better. I really understand that. Sometimes I just wish I could forget that, and just wallow in self pity. Which is kinda what I'm doing now.

Tomorrow I'm going to regret this, because it's childish and selfish and stupid.

But right now, I'm tired and angry and I can't forget that while I was driving home from work tonight, my mom tried to convince me that it would've been better for me to get that seasonal job with Allison, since it pays so much. She asked me if I had looked around for any places that are hiring third shift workers, or if I'd talked to my bosses about getting more hours. Then she just checked to make sure that I was making minimum wage and not two dollars more than minimum wage, which is what I could've been making if I had gotten that seasonal job.
I GET IT, OKAY?




Wow, I'm sorry, I'm already regretting this.

Dinner With A Gypsy

So I'm actually not that keen on most any sort of music with screaming in it, but...
this song...
is okay?

I really just love the lyrics.
In fact, here, read them really fast [before/whilst listening]?
(haha, the lyrics are also in the video description, whatever!)

(anyways, here's the song! I'm going to go listen to some more of their music, maybe I'll like the rest of it too!)



_LATER:wow i just really love all of their lyrics and the music is pretty good okay going to go get their albums from the library now

dejalo

I'm about to go to bed, I just forgot to mention that Michael was part of a production of Hamlet put on by an acting troupe called Pan Pan (I think?) and they are from Ireland and they have accents and they are gorgeous. Except it was artsy & strange & avant-garde? I won't try to explain it, because it was all amazing and slightly mind-blowing, but there was this part where the people ask one of the actors to show off his sword-fighting skills, and he was like, "Yeah, sure!" and he & this other actor go get their swords & put on sound-muffling head things. You know, that they wear at shooting ranges? We were all a bit confused, but then they started fighting and his opponent was going crazy flailing around (very funny) and then this guy pulls a gun from behind his back and shoots him. Like, I saw him pick up the gun and thought, "This is a very small space. I bet that it's a water gun or something, and they'll have some sort of sound effect that will be played. I wonder what the sound effect will be?" and then he shoots the gun and I jump a foot in the air because it was an actual gun loaded with blanks and there were cartridge things and everything and it was DEAFENING because like I said, very small space that we were in, and then he stepped forward & shot twice more and it was still really loud and everyone in the audience was just sitting like "WHAT? WHAT? WHAT JUST HAPPENED? WHAT?"

anyways.

It was an awesome play.


In other news, I'm still really tired and there are a lot of things on my mind and my dreams are going to be SO WEIRD TONIGHT, let me tell you. If I can remember them, that it. I'm going to sleep all day tomorrow. Yes, good plan.


ALSO
ALSO

if I don't already have your address, give it to me because I am going to find everyone's addresses and start sending letters again because it is something that I miss.

happy birthday Michael

Turns out the froyo place is only going to be able to give me two days a week, and my boss lady is kinda... Well. I've only worked with her twice, but I don't know. She doesn't seem like someone I could be friendly with? If that makes sense. I don't want to say anything bad about her because I don't know her very well, but she said a few things that just made me question her thought processes.

ANYWAYS.

My younger sister has a job again, and we're pretty sure that she won't get fired from this one because they're paying around $9 an hour and that's a lot, considering that she'll be working 40 hours a week (four 10 hour shifts) (all of those hours... folding clothes) (except breaks).

This was also supposed to be a post about feelings, but I think I'll just avoid that entirely because I haven't really decided how I want to go about all this. This stuff.

So I left my sketchbook in Tennessee last month? Two months ago? It seems like forever, because I haven't had my sketchbook and I swear that thing is like a horcrux, it is a piece of my soul.
And I finally got it back the other day!
Yay!
Like really, I'm getting warm fuzzies just thinking of it.
I love my sketchbooks.

Also-
I made chess pie today from this recipe, which is actually not good because I am kinda stupid sometimes when it comes to baking and this recipe only gave me the ingredients, oven temp, and amount of time it takes to bake! I mean, okay, those are all important things that I'd love to know, but I failed at getting the crust in the pan, I'm thinking I probably needed to chill it? Anyways. It still turned out pretty good, not as moist as I thought it'd be so I'll do something different with it next time, but still pretty tasty.

Next time I bake I'm going to try smores cookies and/ or apple pie cookies.
SO DELICIOUS LOOKING, OM NOM NOM.

Okay, that's all, I'll talk about music and my sketchbook some more next time. Maybe. I don't know, whatever, I really need to sleep.


PS I love my little brother.

VICTORY YESSSSSSSSSS

The major concern that has been monopolizing my thoughts recently has been a disquieting lack of money. I have a part time job already, but I really needed another job so that I could start putting money away and NOW I HAVE ONE YES.
I went out with some friends yesterday, and we stopped by a frozen yogurt place nearby and there was a sign saying that they were hiring, so I asked for an application and it turns out that both of the owners were there (husband & wife team, adorable!) and so I filled out the application while we were eating. They interviewed me there in the restaurant not long after I gave them the application, and today they called me back and told me that I could start training as soon as I was available! Which is Friday morning! YES YES YES YES, my brain is just a riot of relief and YES.





I actually doodled this as we worked out a tentative training schedule. Hehehe.

This job won't solve all my problems, but it's a step in the right direction.

hahaaaa... ha.

I just really thought about it, and one of the things I miss most about working in Arizona is... Ethan! My boss/friend's baby! Oh gosh, he is just the cutest thing. I would spend time in the office even when I wasn't working, so that I could play with him. Making him laugh was a favorite pastime of mine. It was just so uplifting!
When I first arrived in August, he was about a month old. I remember when he started being able to focus on things, and following people with his eyes, and reacting to things! The first time I heard him laugh, I remembered that line that faeries were made from a baby's laugh. Something like that, right? Well, it was just like that.
And when she brought him to Ohio for his birthday, to see his grandparents, he recognized me! I was sitting a few pews behind them, and I waved to him, and he smiled! So adorable. Oh, I miss him so much! I miss his mother too, of course. She was my only friend there, which is partially due to my crippling social anxiety when it comes to things like that, but still.

I just had to get that out of my system.
Gosh, babies are cute.

Oh, also! Good news!

MY OLDER SISTER IS PREGNANT!
AAHHH!

I had a dream that she had a gorgeous baby girl, and she was so adorable that the faeries came and left a changeling boy in her place. Everyone thought it was a miracle of science, but I knew better! I woke up thinking of every old wives' tale to prevent faeries from stealing babies. The sad part of that is that I know quite a few. What can I say, my family really likes folklore...

smile! OR ELSE

Normally I have some pretty great dreams, but lately I've been having really bad ones and they tend to follow me around all day afterwards.
Like last night I had a dream that I was working undercover as the assistant to this psycho sadistic lady who kidnaps people and makes them her slaves, and my team & I were caught (which was horrible in and of itself). Then I managed to escape after one of her "visits" to the place where she kept us, and I hitchhiked to the closest town (we were in Mexico?) and prepared as much as I could to go back and free everyone else. So I go back, get in, and I've opened the door & I'm about to go out & she's standing there, waiting for me! And to get back at me she starts mentally torturing this other girl I don't even know, and it's just awful, so I start begging and crying and making up perfectly reasonable excuses as to why I left, such as "I was just so hungry, I needed food, I needed to see trees and talk to people who aren't mentally broken" etc. etc. and so on. I was one of her "favorites", so she started to believe me a little and I wrapped myself around the crying girl and started rocking her, saying "It's alright, she won't hurt you anymore, I'm here, I'll protect you, it's alright, sshhhhh," and I was crying because I was still begging psycho lady to "Stop, please stop, don't hurt her because of me, please stop!"

I woke up almost crying.




SO THEN I DREW THIS.
Because I need to not have bad dreams anymore.

(sadstuck fanart)

I just have this headcanon that Aradia makes a few rounds among the dream bubbles and sort of... Comforts the other trolls? Except she doesn't really say things like, "It'll be alright," or anything like that, but she'll be very honest and maybe just say things like "What's done is done, there's nothing we can do to change it now, might as well let go." Or something like this scene.
Vriska just gives me so many feelings.



PS, I LIED, I HAVEN'T DRAWN A SINGLE HAND, FIGHT ME.

nada nada, limonada

As a general rule, I learn basic rules and information quickly. How to bake cookies, or work the register, the names of most of the bones in the human body. But really, I'm just good at memorizing things. When it comes down to things like, "Genevieve, how do you feel about this sudden development of complicated events happening?" I just sort of throw my mental hands in the air (sometimes my physical hands too). Really, I am like molasses in that respect.
There's really no point in me blogging about this, since I'm pretty sure my friends were aware of this before I was, except that I'm really frustrated with what's going on in my life right now and I don't really want to talk about it because I still have no idea what's going on because it's taking me forever to pick things apart thoroughly and figure everything out.



SO HAVE A PAGE OF THUMBNAIL SKETCHES.

I'm actually kinda proud of these? Because I've decided to take everything that I'm not good at, art-wise, and then focus on it until I am at a semi-passable skill level. Next up is hands.

(new mantra)

Okay, so I have this thing where I get songs stuck in my head. That's normal. But without fail, the songs somehow reflect what's going on- how I'm feeling, what I'm thinking, the situation that I'm in, etc. I don't even realize what I'm thinking/ feeling until the song pops into my head, sometimes. It's uncanny, and I feel as if my subconscious has started to communicate via music and lyrics.
Which is funny now that I think about the dream I had a month or so ago, where I was singing "Dancing Queen". Hahaha!
But that's slightly different.

ANYWAYS.

I really love this song, and it's been stuck in my head since I heard it the other day.

Also, I feel a little guilty? because I haven't uploaded any sketches for a while, and I really want to do it just for myself but my sketchbook got left behind in GA/TN and our scanner isn't working so I am left with a small collection of old things I never posted.




This sketch, as you may be able to see, is dated from the 1st of April. I was yearning for winter and snow after months of Southwest living, but... Yeah. I settled for a cute doodle.

Disenchanted (skip if you don't like politics?)

Just...
It's so difficult to even form sentences and paragraphs into a coherent manner.
I'm sick of listening to my parents' ignorance. When you rely on your news from one source, how biased do you think your information is going to be? Just the simple way that a sentence is put together, switching words around, etc., can achieve a unique effect.
The other day we were all peacefully sitting in the living room, reading our own things and listening to our own music, when my father laughs and says, "Listen to this!" and proceeds to say something about the stupid hippies getting arrested. I don't remember his exact words, but it was something along those lines. I stopped. Surely he couldn't be talking about the Occupy Wall Street movement, I thought. I asked him to be sure, and he said that he did, in fact, mean just that. He then went on in such a manner, paraphrasing from the article that he was reading from. "NO. STOP," was all I could think to say, in one of my rare moments of brilliant word-planning.
We then proceeded to have an argument, during which he made it very clear that he had no idea what he was talking about. I'm not saying that I know everything there is to know about Occupy Wall Street, but I knew a sight more than he did. I walked away after I began to resort to screaming, waited until I thought he had forgotten about it, and came back to my book. He tried to bring it up again, I tried to ignore him, he kept going, I started yelling again, and then I walked away again.
I could hear him watching the video that shows the female protestors getting penned up and pepper sprayed. At the end he was silent for a moment before saying, "Well they obviously deserved it."
...
WHAT.
WHAT?!

I just can't look at him without being consumed with frustration at this point.
He hasn't brought it up since then, which I'm grateful for, but at the same time I have no idea if he's actually given any real thought to what's happening here. It's important to me that my family, at least, has some idea about what's going on here. Normally I'm not very interested in politics or anything to do with them, but I care about this.
I also have no idea how to channel this sudden burst of caring about what's going on.



Augh.

I don't even know.

a personal account from one of the protestors
Occupy Wall St website
CNN article
MetroFocus articles
ABC article
The Atlantic article (this one has some good pictures)
The articles that I read on the Fox site are confusing to me, but you can look at them if you'd like. One of them was more concerned about "left" or "right", which is stupid, and a few of them were just assuming things without much of a basis at all.

wonderful disasters

I'm starting to notice a trend when I try out a recipe that's new to me. The first time I make the food, it's pretty delicious. The dish itself may not look the best, but all qualms disappear once I take my first bite.
Then I try it again.
This is where things go wrong.
But it's okay! Because I know exactly why they go wrong.


Here's what happens-
I make something, using the recipe. The food comes out okay, but I decide to experiment the next time through. The most recent examples of this equation in action would be the lentil stew and strawberry cupcakes recipes that I tried out. For the cupcakes, I decided to mix recipes- one using box mix, and the other from scratch. Didn't work as well as I'd hoped. For the lentil stew I decided to semi-cook the lentils ahead of time, since the last time I made it the cook time was around five hours due to the lentils. That wasn't a great idea either. Then I added chick peas, except they needed to be soaked/ cooked longer, and now they're the ones holding up the party that should be in my mouth.


Does any of this mean that I'm going to stop changing things up, stop experimenting?

NOPE.

In my humble opinion, that's kind of what this is all about.
Everything.
Those cliche sayings are cliche for a reason. I'm not going to list them all, there are so many and I honestly have no desire to beat any dead horses.
But... "Failure is just another form of success."
Someone said that, right?
It's not true at all in some cases, but let's argue that failure is a way of helping us learn how to succeed. Next time I make lentil stew, I'll probably just soak the lentils overnight like I did the first time. And I'll get canned chickpeas instead of dried ones. That probably had something to do with it.

I guess the point of this post is just to remind myself not to give up.



Also, to share the lentil stew recipe because it is THE BEST THING EVER. Really.
I essentially took this recipe and just changed a few things up. Mostly it was the spices, because I'm a big fan of just overdosing on spices, but I also added real garlic. Really, my rule for recipes is to just do what I want to make it how I think I want it to taste. I used more cumin, turmeric, curry powder, dried chili pepper flakes, and ground hot pepper. Also two bay leaves, but those need to be taken out before serving. maybe a few other things I'm forgetting, but the point of all this was to point out that you can tailor a recipe to fit your preferences.


ANYWAYS.


Good luck, friends! I hope you succeed in whatever it is that you're trying to accomplish, and the only failures you experience are minor and not at all life-altering, with maybe a dash of life lesson thrown in for good measure.

mIrAcLeS

So here's the story. Lance's sister goes to a college in TN, where a few of my friends happen to go, so I asked if I could hitch along and it was a go go go. This was like, a month in advance, which NEVER happens and I could hardly contain myself. That probably explains why I can't plan ahead very well. Anyways. THEN Lance's car starts having problems. Kinda iffy there for a second, but his uncle offers assistance so we're good. Then the money that his uncle was going to lend is spent on his uncle being in the hospital. Last I heard he has diabetes, they're doing more tests to figure out what went down with the TIAs and it was all very stressful and tragic and unforeseeable. Also, lack of money meant we weren't going. This happened the day before we were supposed to leave.
Then Sami, a friend of ours, offered to pay half the trip money and I extended the offer to Lance and we hammered it all out within half an hour. We were a day behind schedule, but business was going as planned.
We left at an ungodly hour of morning, and had adventures as soon as we landed. Actually, they were very chill adventures. Hiking in the forest, sharing the joy of froyo, sleeping, and just hanging out.

Life is good, and I'm back home feeling like it was worth every moment of wondering how much longer I could keep my eyes open.
I shouldn't be awake right now, but...


I HAVE TO POST THIS VIDEO EVERYWHERE, OKAY?
Why have I never heard this before?





Anyways.

That's all.

PS to Nutmeg-
I'm no longer afraid of riding the bus, and Allison has a job, and those thoughts ARE CONNECTED FIGURE IT OUT SOON I WILL BE COMING SSSOOOOOOO-OOOONNNNN
(that just looks like a really long "son" but it's actually "soon" you knew that goodnight)
(also by soon I meant not soon at all, but much sooner than it would have been which would have been unknowable because life is rough)

Music inspired colorful dancer

Got bored. Decided to look at color palettes. Started listening to the Monsoon Wedding soundtrack. Drew this, except I put her in a salwar kameez.
Realize now that it looks as if her body has been disconnected somewhere in the middle.

(quick update!)

Jhio, you were right! It was easy, and simple, and really I was just worried about nothing. It's like riding the bus to school when you're a kid, except not. Also I think the COTA buses are nicer. And it was actually kinda fun, because I'm a people watcher and I heard some really funny stories and saw some adorable little kids, which brightened my day.

The interview, on the other hand...
Well I mean, the interview itself went well. I have previous experience working in a food environment, and the only thing I'd really need trained on would be the coffee machines.
It's just...
They would be hiring me to work third shift, from 10 pm to 6 am. I would be alone in the shop, presumably without a security guard or whatever like they have in hospitals and some hotels. Not only that, but the Short North has a high crime rate already, then add in the amount of bars & clubs in the area... Then there are a couple of churches nearby that hand out free meals to the homeless, which is great, but it means that there's a higher concentration near the store.
So yeah, that's a little scary.

At the same time, why would they even consider allowing a pretty female to work alone at night if they weren't at least mostly sure that she'd be alright? How worried should I be, exactly?



Now I'm just tired, and I have to get up relatively early tomorrow.
Ugh.

(bird, and also pre-bus anxiety)

So the only thing I really like about this is the background, because I feel a little clever about it. I had some lightning brushes from a while back, and I set it so that the eraser was lightning and put it on low opacity & just clicked away. I was trying to re-create a sketch from my sketch-journal-book-thing, but... Yeah.

Anyways! Job interview tomorrow. I'm going to take the bus there, and it's going to be my first time ever riding the bus. Which of course makes me feel scared, which then makes me feel like a pansy because I know that people ride the bus all the time but STILL. What if I miss my stop? What if I don't have the right amount of money for fare and get stranded? What if I'm too late for a bus stop and get stranded? Basically I'm worried about getting stranded and lost and all the other horrible things that could happen. AAAHHHH I should probably go plan this out step by step.

color test?

Is semi-accurate, possibly?

I was surprised because I wasn't really expecting any sort of accuracy. None at all. And then I look at the results and they say things like, "Is feeling emotionally drained from stressful and tense situations. she is in need of peace and quiet in order to overcome her lack of energy and may become irritable if she does not recover." I mean, there's a whole lot more than that, but whatever.

So it wasn't like one of those WOW YOU TRULY HAVE PEERED INTO MY SOUL AND KNOW ME things, because I don't really believe that a simple test can totally analyze anyone, but it was still interesting.


Wow and I just took it again except I said I was male and now it's got even more info on me. "Seeking to broaden his horizons and believes [her] his hopes and dreams are realistic. Worries [she] he may not be able to do the things [she] he wants and needs to escape to a peaceful, quiet environment in order to restore [her] his confidence", and also "Finds [herself, whatever, you get the point of these stupid things] himself too trusting and needs protection from this because he feels people will take advantage or misunderstand him. He hides his true feelings by being highly critical and distant."



Ergh. It's late and I'm tired and I'm questioning my decision to type all this now. ANYWAYS.


Dear Homestuckers (mostly Meg & Sab)-
Have you guys seen that site that generates a "Land of" thing? It's actually kind of addicting. You just click on the spiral thing once & it stops on a random assortment of whatevers. I'm addicted to the awesome visuals my brain comes up with when I see the "Land of" titles. For instance! Land of: apathy and autumn, frost and coral, gold and melody, ice and shade, magma and rainbows, scales and mist, steam and junk (hehe, steampunk land!). Someday I'm going to learn how to draw landscapes, and I'm just going to go through all of the ones that I have saved and PAINT THEM ALL.
But anyways, here's the link.
Oh my gosh, now I'm doing it again and it just keeps giving me awesome stuff. I'm also doing a horrible job describing it, so here's a screen capture I took-





Okay for reals, I'm going to do heavy labor tomorrow so I should probably be well rested this was not a good idea I'm going to bed IT TOOK SO LONG TO TYPE THAT BECAUSE I KEPT LEAVING OUT WORDS AUGH.

new music...

I LOVE NEW MUSIC.
SO FEED ME.

I actually just heard that Party Rock song, I feel super behind the times here. And I only heard it because of the Homestuck fandom. Hehehe...
What I've been doing to find stuff I haven't heard is going to the library and looking at the CDs they have, and just picking stuff up with interesting album art and song titles. It's worked so far!

Also, this band. I am in love with them.
I'm not sure that it actually says the band name, but it's Tally Hall. In case you were interested.

(as of recently)

(Striders gonna stride beast.)



(I really have no intentions of finishing this. Just like everything else.)




My life has become Homestuck. Sadly, only my younger brother is around to share all that with, so... bummer about being nerdy?

Hehehe, the sketches are totally unrelated, but they're funny when you put them together as a story.

In real life news, my brain hurts. Life is tough.

Pennsic pictures, part one

SO MANY FEELINGS.

laskgrjhaldsufhgbkdskfoyetwiuyfklhdsvbjk, etc. On and on with the keyboard mashing, that is how my brain looks.
Not entirely in a bad way?
I mean, feelings. I have lots of them.

This isn't making any sense.


Um, let's see. Pennsic was great. I worked, chilled out, adventured, met some new people and just had fun in general.


I have quite a few pictures, but this one is in my top ten. Mostly just for the sign that says "St of Dreams". There was a street called "Good Intentions"! It's not in this picture, sadly, but I saw it! My friend and I were walking back to camp from a party, and I kinda got too excited when I saw it. "MELANIE LOOK THAT STREET IS CALLED GOOD INTENTIONS, OH MY GOSH MELANIE THAT'S HILARIOUS! HAHAHAAA GOOD INTENTIONS!" And she just sort of giggled to humor me. There was this group of people sitting around a campfire nearby and one of them said, "Yes, and this street is called Runestone Highway," and it was funny because the person said it in this tone of voice as if I were retarded and deaf and entirely out of my mind. Which I wasn't. Actually, it was a little annoying, but I kinda left myself open for that one, so it's also amusing.
ANYWAYS.
There was a Tardis leading into one of the camps, and partial pirate ships and sunken castles, and yes. Everything was fantastic.
I find it so hard to describe Pennsic in a way that seems satisfactory to me, unless I can spend about half an hour just rambling on. Maybe an hour. So I'm just going to stop now.

(maybe I'll post some more videos and pictures later)





SO.

Other than that...

I possibly have the best brother EVER.

So I have this sort of emotion/ venting journal thing, and I kinda said that I wouldn't be angry if he read it, but he said that he didn't really want to but then I left it laying around. And laying around. And it just kinda sat on my floor for a while, until I finally had some idea of how I was going to properly illustrate my feelings about something, and then I opened it and a note fell out.
It was glorious.
Maybe it's strange that I'm not upset in any way that he read it, and then gave me feedback on it, except it wasn't really feedback so much as it was... Well. This is where I might lose some people. It was a note from a character in Homestuck. From Karkat, specifically.
It was written in pesterlog format- it started out saying "CG started trolling ?? at 9:38 pm", and then it was Karkat. "HEY. HEY HUMAN." and it went on from there, saying that I shouldn't feel bad because he (Karkat) has it so much worse. Except it was really sweet and just spot on, like if Karkat were trying to cheer me up it would look something like that. And then it ends with "LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE. AT LEAST YOU AREN'T ME." and it was just perfect.
I ran downstairs and gave him hugs and kisses and told him that I owed him forever, and he looked very embarassed and said something about "just trying to be a good brother," and it's something like this-
Good sibling, best brother.
Aaah, just thinking about it makes me warm and fuzzy.



Other than that...
I worked last night and I'll work again tonight and I'll probably work for a few nights in a row, and the next time I see my boss I'm going to talk to him about taking up his offer. You see, Eagles has some sort of business connection with Resch's Bakery, and he said that he could try to hook me up with a job there. I mean, I'd be happy just sweeping floors there or whatever, I'd probably get paid the same (yay minumum wage!), but at least I'd be in a bakery environment and it'd be cool to sort of get a feel for things.
So, yes.


Welp, can't think of much else to update this blog thing about. Pictures to come (a few of them have disappeared), soooo...
Ciao?

wish me luck!

Leaving for Pennsic tomorrow.

Yay!

I have a lot of feelings, and hopefully there will be way more pictures than feelings by the time I get back.

It's the four hour car ride with my family that I'm most worried about. Especially since my brother loves techno/ electronic/ whatever, and my father... doesn't. He feels quite strongly against it, in fact. It's a big deal.

Anyways, that's all.

(dream story)

(This is a dream I had the other night. It was just so interesting, I wanted to put it up somewhere where I could definitely never lose it.)

We (Allison, Michael, and I) never met our father's father. He disappeared when I was too young to remember him, and before they were born. The story is that he was with a group of people, enjoying the outdoors, when he wandered away from the group and was never heard from again. This fact has always been hard on father. Can you imagine having to repeatedly crush a hope that your father is alive, convincing yourself that he's dead? It would be easier if he knew for sure what happened to him. Not to mention just missing him; not being able to ask him for parenting advice, for support when he needs it, for a parent's love. It was always hard for him, but it's been getting worse recently. The nagging weight of sadness has been getting to him, and he's been taking out his frustration on the people around him. He's been getting less patient, more prone to shouting and violence, less reasonable. It's gotten so bad that we (his children) are brainstorming what we could possibly do to help. Finally, we decide to go searching for our grandfather.
We start in the field where he was last seen, now called "Grandfather's Field" just for that reason. The searching goes on in secret- we don't know how our father would react if he knew what we were up to. He figures it out anyways- he smells it on us. "Does that smell familiar to you?" he asks our mother. "Doesn't it smell like... Grandfather's Field?" At which point, they (our parents) come after us. After catching up, they decide to join us. We form a line, and fan out to cover a wider area. I'm on the very end of the left wing, with Michael to my right. Michael stops in the midst of some trees, listening to the wind. "I'm going to ask our ancestors for help," he says to me. When the wind dies down, he whispers, "Where is my father's father?" Almost immediately, the wind starts back up. They've answered him! He starts to walk quickly, almost jogging, in some direction. Allison and I follow him without saying anything, and our parents loudly protest and ask us what's going on. We don't answer them, only continuing to follow Michael as quickly as we can.
We walk for an unknown amount of time- dream time works differently. Long enough for our parents to get tired and antsy. They're talking loudly behind me, complaining and asking annoying questions. "Shush!" I have to tell them, over and over; I'm afraid that I might miss something, or that Michael won't be able to hear the directions.
Finally he scrambles up a sort of hill-mountain-cliff. The ground is red sand and stone, and the plants are shriveled and spiny- we must be going up a desert mesa. It's a little difficult to get up, but I manage without having to hurt my hand grabbing for a spiny plant jutting out of the side of the hill-cliff. My parents are having more difficulty, and are falling behind. I make it up, and see Michael running, almost there. "There" being a large rock a little ways off to the side, shaped like a large easy chair. "Grandfather!" I shout, removing a branch from the chair-rock, "We've found you!" Beneath the branch are his bones, still in a sitting position after all this time. His skull is still wearing his reading glasses, and there are tatters of an old newspaper on his lap. We are sad to see his skeleton, but glad to know that now our father has a grave to visit and put flowers on and talk over, when he needs to. It's a bitter light feeling of victory. We are standing looking at our grandfather's bones, waiting for our father to catch up, and

I wake up.


That's the end of the dream.

(In real life, not dream-story life, this is partially true. My dad's parents died before I was five, but not like this.)

UUUUGH.

I forget what was making me upset earlier today, but it happened.
Maybe it was how my car needs work, or how I'm not sure if I'll have to pay more for college because I may not technically be an Ohio resident, or that I need to sew about seven more outfits for Pennsic...
But I actually have a feeling that it was something much less significant. Which is probably why I've forgotten it.
And now I feel perfectly fine.

In other news...

My life is kind of stagnant.
It feels that way, at least.
Hopefully, going to Pennsic will clear up my head a bit.
And if it doesn't, I'm going on a roadtrip.

sleeping

I love sleeping. It really is one of my favorite things to do, besides having adventures and eating. I was having a conversation with someone about this the other day, and I can't remember exactly what they said but the general gist is that they couldn't understand why I love sleeping so much. To them, sleeping was just a waste of time in which you could be accomplishing things, getting stuff done, all that jazz. The thing is, I couldn't really argue with that. Yeah, it's true- you can't really bake cookies or clean the house while you're sleeping. Unless you're a sleepwalker, but I'm pretty sure that they can't control that so anyways. The point is, I had to figure out- what is so awesome about sleeping? I mean, besides giving your mind & body a chance to recharge so that you don't go crazy and/or collapse.
Dreaming.
Dreams are what makes it all worth it, for me.
I've always been fascinated by them. The whole "reflection of the subconscious" thing, plus... It's just a great escape. I can understand how some people could disagree with me here. People who can't really remember their dreams, or have nightmares more often than not, or something along those lines.
When I was a kid, I had night terrors. It was a long time ago, but I can still remember how it felt- waking up with my face pressed between the boards that kept me from falling off the loft bed, clawing at the air with tears running down my face, screaming at the top of my lungs because I was so scared. No more night terrors, thank God.
Now, I just have dreams. Nightmares come every now and then, but they're few enough that I don't really worry about it. And my dreams are so much fun! That's really the best way I can think of saying it. Fun fun fun.
I've fallen in love with Death, and a Djinn. I've flown, a few times- those are my favorite ones. Apparently this is a little unusual, but often I dream that I'm somebody else- I've been male, I've been a wolf or a witch or just some other girl. Once I dreamt, in a rather symbolic manner, of the second coming of Christ (I woke up laughing because my chest couldn't contain how amazingly happy I was). I've been so many wonderful places, seen and done so much- I just love dreaming.
So, that is why I love sleep so much.
And THAT IS WHY IT BOTHERS ME WHEN MY FRIENDS OR MYSELF SUFFER FROM INSOMNIA.
It's just one of the worst things. Not only are you being drained, but you're missing out on so many possibilities!

So I guess the point of this post is...
If you're having trouble sleeping, try this-

• warm milk
• chamomile tea
• soothing bath (lavender & mint scents are soothing)
• don't nap during the day
• exercise during the day, but not before sleeping
• relax- don't think about things that stress you

and that's all I got.

GOODNIGHT!

PS- CONGRATS TO MEG & SAB! One day I will visit you and then we will celebrate!
Also, AAAHHHHH HARRY POTTER! Those are my feelings on the matter, as well as this face- ;_;

release

This song was stuck in my head for two days. I remembered the movie that I heard it in, I knew the name of the singer, but I could not find the song on my computer. It was so aggravating! I was on the verge of throwing a tantrum, all because I couldn't find this song. And then I used my powers to search it up on google, and everything went uphill from there.
Life is like that sometimes.


While I was in Arizona, it rained maybe... Three times? Four? In ten months. Not very often, to say the least. And I think only two of those times it was slightly stormy, though neither of them had any lightning & thunder.
I missed storms.
The other day when a big storm came, someone had left the patio umbrella open and the wind had carried it halfway out into the yard before I'd noticed. I had to run outside and untangle it, close it, then drag it back onto the deck. Needless to say, I was drenched. When I was done, I stood inside the doorway and yelled for my brother until he brought towels. There was a puddle underneath my feet. It was glorious. Wonderful! I love that feeling.

Both of those, the song and the storm, are like release. Letting out a little pressure, so that I don't blow up. Along with baking, exercising, writing, and drawing... I'd say if I excelled at anything, it would be not blowing up or caving in. I think that's a pretty good thing.

So it's times like these, when it's the end of a long shift and three out of four tables didn't leave tips and the ones that did leave a tip left crappy ones... I just have to remember that it's the little things that brighten my day. Seeing the kittens playing, hearing a new song I like, playing in the rain- stuff like that.


I'm feeling better already. ♥

fencing sketch

The actual sketch is super-small, like... A little larger than a quarter? But anyways.
Now it looks as if the heart is being stabbed, but that's not really the case.

AHA (but not really.)

So I had a conversation with my friend Amy quite some time ago about soulmates. I told her that I didn't believe in them, and she explained that she did. It made me feel a bit jaded, to be honest, but...
Recently I had a similar conversation with DJ, and it got me thinking again.

I believe in soulfriends. That's what I call them, at least. It's like I'll look at someone and just know that we could be friends, like they're kindred spirits or something. There's really no good way to explain how I can tell... It's like, if I was one of those people who could see auras, they'd be glowing. And then added onto that, there's this faint buzzing around them like we're both tuning forks on the same frequency. That's actually a good one- tuning forks! Same wavelength! Some people haven't experienced this, but it happens often enough to me. "Often enough" meaning that all of my close friends are soulfriends, and the rest of my friends are potential soulfriends.

The point of that was to say-
If I believe in soulfriends, what's the big jump to soulmates?
And that's when I started to think this:

Mostly what I dislike about the whole "soulmate" idea is that there's only ONE person out there made just for you. Which is horrible, really, because there's always room for doubt. Yeah, you love this person, but what if your true soulmate is still out there? You know? It just doesn't make sense to me. So that's where they connect. A soulmate is just a step above a soulfriend, in my book. Or they're a different category of soulfriend. Whatever.

Of course, this is still a theory, but you get it, right?
Ugh, I don't know.




ANYWAYS.


I need to get in shape.
Also, I need another job. And I need to get my license, apply for culinary school, pack for Pennsic, clean the house...
In short, I need to get off my butt and start being a responsible adult again.

ALSO ALSO
I love this picture.

TEARS.

WHY DOES HOMESTUCK GET SO TRAGIC WITH THE TROLLS?
WHYYYYYYYYYYYY?

Caps lock cannot begin to encompass my feelings on this matter.

You should read Homestuck.

It starts a little slow, but then BAM
time travel, paradoxes, fighting, music, monsters, hilarity and tragedy! AND AWESOMENESS.

I just wanted to get this out of my system, kthxbai.

bluuuuuuhhhhhh

Interesting note- my ability to draw fluid motion increases after I take zolpidem. Hm.
Anyways, these are just some sketches. I've decided that I need to draw more men, to get my sketchbook at least a bit more balanced than it is.



In life news...

Blugfrakthurklopwcd.
Ugh.

1) Having a job is great, but I'm not getting enough hours. I'm only working two shifts this week! I mean, I know that I'm a newbie and all that jazz, but still. So the job hunt resumes.
2) My family is killing me, in a number of (non-literal) ways. Except Michael- he is like an oasis of sanity and pleasant camaraderie. Thank God for my little brother.
3) I'm so tired. I'm not even doing anything, and that's the problem! I need to go out and do stuff, but... No car. This has been bothering me since I got home. I need a car! Need! Car! Ugh.
4) Every time I see a plane, my heart just aches. It's a mixture of, "Take me with you!" and something else.
4) Plus all the random "When did this happen?" moments that crop up.

other than that...




FEEL BETTER, JHIO.
I don't know what happened, but I want you to know that it'll be okay! Go watch a sunrise/ sunset or something.

also!

This!


Last weekend, my father's family had a small reunion. My uncle was kind enough to give me this camera as a gift, after I asked him if he was going to sell it. 10 points of awesome for the generous uncle!

Joy and jubilation aside, I need to get it repaired. At some point in its previous life, the flash attachment had been glued on, and then broken off. Or vice versa. Argh! It's still a lovely camera, and I'm definitely going to get it fixed when I have the money.

More pictures! I made cupcakes, and they are the first step towards the most delicious cupcakes you will ever eat (EVER). And then there's a group picture of the kittens ♥ (love love love).

JOB!

This is just the colored version of this sketch. There's not much else to say about this, except that I really love when eyes are two different colors.



Also, in case you hadn't seen on facebook, I HAVE A JOB.


It's very exciting.
The entire thing was very surreal, actually. The manager sat down to interview me after my pizza had come, and he was asking what I assume to be the usual things- do you live nearby, are you in college, have you had previous experience, etc. And then he said something along the lines of, "If you want the job, you can start Friday. Which means you'll technically need to start Thursday, to get training. Can you do that?" and my mind said, "AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!". Then my actual voice said, "OK! Yes! I can do that!"
And then I had a job.

TADA!
Funny thing about it was that he said something about the fact that SO MANY people had been applying there, and it was strongly suggested that it was a huge favor to me that he was hiring me instantly after interviewing at least 15 people before me; and when he was explaining why he had decided to hire me so quickly, he mentioned that he could tell how "outgoing" I was. Once again, slight discrepancy between what I was thinking and what I actually said. My mind was saying, "HA! HAHAHA! REALLY? I think not." but then I just nodded and said, "Uh-huh," and let out what I can only describe as a nervous chuckle. I'm grateful either way, and I'm not going to argue with the person who is now my boss. I HAVE A BOSS! BECAUSE I HAVE A JOB!

Anyways.
That's about it.

BRING ME SUPPLIES.

I NEED TO BAKE SOMETHING, STAT.

Also, here is a new character that showed up in my sketchbook during the school year. Her name is Zoe, and she tends to be doing something active in all of the sketches. This is probably due to the fact that I nearly always draw her when I'm stuck inside working (subbing classes usually) and am unable to go out and enjoy life. So I live vicariously through Zoe.





This sketch actually really bugs me now, simply because her face isn't right and I'm too lazy to scrap the entire head. Her face is supposed to be rounder/ chubbier, but c'est la vie. MOVING ON.

I'M BAAAAAAAAACK.

Wow, I had forgotten how different Arizona is from Ohio. I looked out my window tody and was thinking, "Why is there so much GREEN?" And it's not that Arizona isn't green, really. There are cactus and agave and aloe and desert-type trees, but it's a different kind of green. All the colors look faded and worn out, like a sage-ish color. Bronzed-ish. There's a special word that I'm looking for, but I can't find it. Anyways.
There's a lot going on in my head right now, and it would be overwhelming if I took the time to actually face it head on. Lucky for me, I am good at not confronting my problems and excel at avoiding the issue. Whoo!

So we have KITTENS, and they need HOMES.
They are adorable and fluffy and if you have room for kittens & don't have allergies, then you should take one. Or all of them. There are only three. Their names are Valiant (Val), Honor (Honey), and Courage (Curry). I actually like Honor and Courage just for their matching food-based nicknames. Along with their blinding cuteness.

Alright, I'm going to go back to not doing anything.

[final-ish?] COUNTDOWN

(It's not really the final countdown, Lord knows there will be plenty more, but it feels rather large anyways.)

(Also, ha! I wasn't expecting anyone to read the entire rant, but kudos to Jhio & everyone else who manages.)



This post is purely to say-

FIVE DAYS!

Here's a list of expected activites-


NUMBER ONE- SLEEPING.
(no order exists after number one.)

• Cedar Point


• Columbus Zoo


• COSI


• Garden of Roses/ Whetstone Park


• Franklin Park Conservatory


• see something at the Palace Theatre


• Museum of Art


• Ye Olde Mille


• North Market


• Basically all of High Street. Does that count? I'm making it count.


• visiting Ayana in Cleveland


• visiting Meg (& Sab!) in Hannibal


• and apparently there's this Topiary Garden? Want to check that out. I always thought that topiaries were a bit creepy, but that's just me.

-And have my camera present wherever I go. Possibly the video camera? I feel like that would be a good idea, but I also feel semi creeper-ish. Who cares, I just need to figure out how I'm carrying all that.

Haha!

This thought just popped into my head, and I'm warning you that I'm terrible at wording things without thinking about them for at least six months. So.

Some people are mostly sad. If it's clinical, it depression. If it's not, then it's just loneliness or sadness or boredom or longing or so on and so forth.
Other people are mostly happy. They're just blessed with the strength to keep on keeping on, or the fount of optimism, or they just don't care. Whatever.
Now here's my thought- I think that I usually fit into the "mostly happy" category, but have recently changed. I fit a new category, and it is this- "mostly angry".

Because that's what I've been feeling.

I mean, blaming it on hormones only works for so long before the headache sets in and I start to think to myself, "Lets weigh the cons of punching this kids against the pros." (true story)

Let's look at the past few days. I've been subbing classes, which hasn't been too hard because it's finals week and I just have to make sure they don't kill each other. On the other hand, it's draining because these kids make me furious. One class broke a chair, in another class I had to send a kid out of the classroom before a fist fight started, and in yet another class I nearly went into a screaming tirade after a student began a soliloquy about how "gay" it was that they had to even be in the class (so many words I didn't say. SO MANY. For instance- DO YOU THINK I ENJOY BEING HERE LISTENING TO YOUR SORRY ASS COMPLAINING? ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU USE A SLUR LIKE THAT? But I didn't say that, I just ignored them and read Whitman and crocheted).
After subbing, I come back to the dorm. Yesterday I accidentally traumatized a student by killing a rat in front of her. I "didn't give her time to run", which is stupid because she had plenty of time to run and not be a witness but all she did for those few precious seconds after the rat was released was stand there and mumble about how sad it looks and try to think of words that would make me see that just setting it gently by the dumpster was the best course of action when CLEARLY it is a RAT and I don't know if I've mentioned this but I HATE RATS.
Anyways.
Today after getting back to the dorm, I cleaned. This always, without fail, puts me into a rage. The girls here just... Ugh. Hard to find words for it. They are disgusting. For instance- a week or two ago, Dean Kristy and I made cupcakes for them, and set out icing so they could ice their own cupcakes and all that jazz. I AM STILL FINDING WRAPPERS. And then they just leave their soda cans everywhere, whether they're full or not. And... just everything.

Then this new situation (DJ, told you about this) has just been huge on my mind. AUGH. I don't know how to summarize this, so I'll just rant.

BEGIN.

Here's the story.

I ask to borrow a student's laptop. She says okay, but she's acting weird when she says it. She puts her head down and looks guilty or sheepish or I don't know, I'm not exactly super at figuring it out. I ask her if she's going to use it, give her time to make an excuse for me not to use it, but she says it's okay again. So I just brush it off and start using it. The reason I asked to use it is because I had made a video for my friends and family near the beginning of the year, and they loved it, so I figured that I could make one again to tell them all how I excited I am to be coming back and all that jazz. I finish making the video, I load it on to youtube, and it's a minute away from finishing the upload when I get a text- "Ready to go!" This was a signal from my friend/ boss for me to hurry up and get my boxes in the car, so we could ship out the first fleet of packed stuff. Of course I have to leave the laptop there & get out, but I know that the girl isn't on campus anymore & isn't going to need it soon so I don't worry about it.

We get back from our errand, and I go immediately back to the laptop to find it locked. So I wait for the girl to get back, since she's not on campus. I wait, and I text her, and I wait, and I text her again, and I wait. Then I go to dinner, and I see her there! But I don't say anything to her, because I'm holding out a hope that she'll look at her phone and be reminded that I am waiting for her. No such luck, because I go back to the dorm and wait some more. I hear her laughing from down the hall, and decide to go see what's going on. She says that her phone died, which I think is a reasonable excuse not to have replied to me, but I have to leave before I get the chance to demand that she unlock the laptop (another student came in and it was clear that I wasn't wanted in the conversation). SO surprise surprise, I go back and wait some more. Then I text my boss/ friend, because I know that she'll answer. This is the exact conversation.

Me: Are you guys done now? I just need T--- to put in her password.
DK: Almost. For what?
Me: Her laptop. I started loading a video for my family before we left, & it locked while I was gone.
DK: :( Really shouldn't be using students computers. Plus T---'s mo doesn't want other people using it (that includes us)
Me: Wasn't aware of that. If it's any consolation, I can personally make sure that this is the last time I ask to use it.
DK: Yeah T--- feels bad telling you no because you're her dean.
Me: Sorry about that. As soon as she unlocks it, I can finish & stop making her feel guilty.
DK: No. She needs it back now. You'll see your family next week.

After which I asked where to put the laptop (after having a small conniption fit), and received no reply. So I put it in her room, to which she did not return until MUCH later leading me to believe that the whole "she needs it now" thing was obviously a lie.

I know I was a tad snippy, but please keep in mind the amount of waiting I had done, and how eager I was just to finish the video and wash my hands of that mess.

HERE'S WHAT PISSES ME OFF ABOUT THIS SCENARIO-

1) The fact that she couldn't say it to my face. Not only did she not say no when I gave her a chance, but after she said yes she had to go behind my back, TO MY BOSS, and manipulate the only adult I hang out with into wielding her power over me. I really appreciate when people are straight up with me, and I hate things like this. It smacks of cowardice and dishonesty.

2) Not only did she go crying behind my back, but I'm guessing she lied and manipulated my boss to do so. I get the feeling that she made me seem like the villain- like I constantly use my power to steal her laptop from her unwilling hands. The truth is that I while I do ask to use her laptop, it is not nearly as often as I ask to use other students', and she has had no problem in the past with making up some excuse to avoid telling me no (which I find annoying, but I put up with it). In all honesty, I can't have borrowed her laptop more than four times.

3) How much have I done for this girl, and she can't let me use her laptop to make a video for the people I love? How much? I have held her while she cries, I have fed her food that I bought with my own money and often enough I was unwilling to part with that food, but I did it anyways. I have made her tea when I didn't feel like it, cracked her back, listened to her ramble even though I don't care an ounce, so on and so forth. I even put up with her constant demands to buy my new beloved jean vest off of me (she's seriously spoiled, did I mention that?). So yes, I feel as if she owes me at least that.

4) This feels like one giant betrayal to me. This girl had been one of three that I had admitted to myself that I was getting personally invested in. I had told her stories that I hadn't told any of the other students, and I had confided in her. I don't confide in people easily, and I feel extremely cautious about it this year, with the students. But she just seemed so interested, and she would actually ask, which is really almost everything it takes to get me talking. And then she goes and does this.

4 & a half) Part of why this betrayal hurts so much is because this is coming right on the heels of losing the first almost-friend I had made here. I'm still pretty torn up about that, I'll admit, because I have no idea what the hell I did wrong to cause the situation. So, double whammy is no fun.

5) SHE IS A SPOILED, MANIPULATIVE LITTLE CHILD AND I WILL NEVER SPEAK TO HER DIRECTLY AGAIN. End of story.





For the record-

When someone hurts me like this, there is no true forgiveness. I don't know if it's the Sicilian/ Italian thing, I don't know if it's just a personal trait, but it's how I work. I haven't forgotten the people who hurt me in first grade, and I will not forget this.



That being said, I feel slightly better.

Still pretty pissed though.

That last text will always put me in a rage. Without fail. I almost threw my phone across the room while I was typing it out.



END.





Okay, done for the night. I'm just drained.
EXCEPT
I watched Gnomeo & Juliet, and it was so cute! The original story by Shakespeare is actually one of my least favorites (I mean, it has good lines, but I just think that the kids are so stupid), and this was just adorable. They manage to kill people without making it really stupid! Yay!